Monday, April 17, 2017

Honey & the Bee

bila disengat,
keluarkan bisa
and when you're no longer in the heat of the moment,
make a decision
kalau tak,
you'll be rash
because the pain
will influence your path


*


it's difficult to be rational in the heat of the moment
especially when you're a feeler
i, in particular, think (read:feel) in extremes
my solutions are rather bizarre
it's difficult to come up with a rational solution
so it's important to have support of people who would tell you what's the rational way


*

thought i'd burn bridges.
i didn't want to watch you hurt yourself
it felt like you were taking our friendship for granted
i couldn't stand to watch anymore
because what i felt suddenly became greater in significance
and that shook me to the core

but i realise that i need to get rid of what isn't right,
to make way for what is better
"Buang yang keruh, ambil yang jernih"

as i walk out,
there's no reason to stop being a friend
i'll be there for you even if it's from a distance
because slowly, we'll have to part ways
and eventually, i'll cease to matter


*


familiarity breeds contempt


*


i've been a liar and i'll never amount to
the kind of person who deserves to worship You
You said You will not dwell on what i did
but rather, what i do
You said, "I love you, and that's what you are getting yourself into."


Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me


*


most days,
i'm sick of myself
i wish i could run
run from this unraveling of my inner demons
run from the person i don't want to be
run from the people that reflects this being

i'm only human

i need to recuperate too


*



i find hope in the resurrection of Christ
He alone is my source of life


i wanna thrive
not just survive



Friday, October 14, 2016

A Wave in the Ocean

human beings are able to adapt.

the place we grew up in is our natural habitat.

somewhere between the age of 16-21 years, a human gets thrown into a different habitat.
they are forced to adapt and live in the new place whether they like it or not.

sooner or later, they grow comfortable. or maybe they don't. i don't know.
but the longer you stay in a place, the more tolerant you are towards your surrounding.
you even grow to like or become fond of the things you have around you. you begin to like the new place.
but then maybe you get pushed out a little. you start to live without what you were given and realise that you might not actually need it or like it as much.
so drifting apart occurs.

as we grow, things don't get any simpler.
they get more complex.
we think of things we never used to think about.
things that don't matter start to matter.
we start coming to our own conclusions,
leaving things unsaid
because we think we know better

trying becomes so scary because there's a whole world of possibilities
we feel so small, so insignificant
like a drop or a wave in the ocean

but little do we know, that without that drop or that wave in the ocean
the ocean is less
and to be a part of that ocean,
even if just a drop or a wave,
is to be a part of something whole

and that is the beauty of creation

God leaves no creation alone and meaningless



note: this post wasn't meant to be scientific in any way at all. pardon me if there were any factual misinterpretations/misconceptions

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Stream-trotting

irrelevant
a failure
too sheltered,
too vulnerable to be able to protect her

you act so strong
but you're so weak
you've spoke with such confidence,
such strength at heart
like you were gonna win the war
before you start to fight

i've been questioning
if i was wrong
or what did i ever do that was never right
but i realise that it isn't what i've done
but that i'll never amount to enough

so naive, young and vile
you speak as if you're meant to die
you look down on all,
and yourself even
you realise that you're weak,
and prone to be,
'the me that i will always be'

you give up because
you're not strong enough
but in the process,
you're telling God that He isn't enough
that He is unable to make things right

oh you of little faith

it's not fair to speak on behalf of others
but no one will tell you what it is really,
so you imagine the worst


*


this was never meant to last
i wish it wasn't so


*


so many things i want to say
but i'm not sure if it's fair to say it
i speak as if my problems are so big
as if my feelings are so irrational
it's not fair to people who have bigger problems and deserve to speak of it

but it's also not fair to disregard my problems as petty
a problem is a problem is a problem
as are feelings
i don't know where i'm getting with this
but i'm sorry
i'm sorry for all the times i've disregarded the feelings of others
like they don't mean a thing
because everything means something to us personally
and that's all that matters

God, i look to You
it's difficult
i can't seem to set sight on You as long as i'd like
but Your love never runs out on me
may i never lose this wonder

Monday, January 18, 2016

Wide-eyed

feels like i've been let down,
let down into the sea
it's not like i didn't expect it,
not like i didn't see it coming

but the waves are strong
 and the current attacks me
i feel water run through my nose
i feel like i could have died already

it has been quite some time,
some time since i've felt like this
since i've felt so suffocated
since i felt like i cannot breathe

it's a pain from the pressure
the pressure in my lungs
as the water fills my air channels
as i feel like i've drowned

*

it's only been about 7 hours
since i said all those things
since i believed i was happy
since i believed i was weaned

i take it back
i am not sure anymore
i can't say the same
i wrote it all on a whim


*


but it is here that i learn,
God is my Defense
in times i feel attacked,
that's when i feel that God is for me
at the front line, absorbing the impact

to swim,
to swim against the current,
to swim in the sea,
to swim to save
you don't get thrown in the sea for nothing


*



may we never lose our wonder
wide eyed and mystified,
may we be just like a child,
staring at the beauty of our King 



Tuesday, November 3, 2015

The Momentum of a Fast Train

it was like we were on a train

it was a normal day
and train rides were my favourite thing
it became a normal thing
but that day i found magic from a random encounter

happenstance


it was a fast train
and conversations were like the wind
it looked like we were heading south
but i didn't expect it to go on a different rail

after awhile, i suspected so
the train was fast
and we were slow
i knew where we were heading
and i couldn't go
so i had to hastily jump off before it could grow

and further it went
i missed the wind
the train was gone
it left me, or i left it

inertia was still in my veins
and i had to go down to the station again

the walk was long
i got on a train
now i am alone
and it doesn't feel so okay


*


like a professional runner
that cannot continue running in illegal races
because those were the wildest
it wasn't wrong
it wasn't official
but we knew that it'd be bad for us

so i retired
from professional running
unsure if i could feel the wind in my face
and like that, i missed the momentum
i missed having an aim and a finish line
i missed having a purpose in life

i try to run
but it eerily feels the same
the dirt, the cheers
are they all just in my head?

and until i find a new competition
or a new race
i will still think of that very day

was it the rain?
the storm?
the thunder?
it was right above us
and i suppose the danger is what lured us