Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Friend Ship; Pride

Here's where you'll never see
But I hope you know
That it's been an honour defending against you
That it's been an honour to fight our individual battles side by side
That it's been a joy to see you grow and grow with you
That it's been a great comfort to have you know the darkest days of my first love
That it's been my pride to have been there for your darkest days
That it's been an honour to be your fellow commander from another battalion, reporting of the wars that we'll have to care for and battle together

That it's my privilege to have you as a friend

Here's to many more years
And my vow to never give up on our friendship
Even if it's you beside me at the altar, or you in the front pews of my wedding day with your spouse

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Mud Slope


It’s dark and cold,
We’re crawling in a mud bowl.
We’re searching,
We want to find,
Enough dry wood,
For a fire to light.
But in the mud we slip,
The rain is nigh,
The drizzle is heavy,
And our vision isn’t right.
Will we get out?
Not unbruised or unharmed.
Will we make a spark?
I don’t know but I can try.

I’m tired,
God please help.
I don’t want to do this,
I want to give up.



*


for the worst
and for all that He has brought me through

to God be the glory of my emerging in victory

Monday, April 17, 2017

Honey & the Bee

bila disengat,
keluarkan bisa
and when you're no longer in the heat of the moment,
make a decision
kalau tak,
you'll be rash
because the pain
will influence your path


*


it's difficult to be rational in the heat of the moment
especially when you're a feeler
i, in particular, think (read:feel) in extremes
my solutions are rather bizarre
it's difficult to come up with a rational solution
so it's important to have support of people who would tell you what's the rational way


*

thought i'd burn bridges.
i didn't want to watch you hurt yourself
it felt like you were taking our friendship for granted
i couldn't stand to watch anymore
because what i felt suddenly became greater in significance
and that shook me to the core

but i realise that i need to get rid of what isn't right,
to make way for what is better
"Buang yang keruh, ambil yang jernih"

as i walk out,
there's no reason to stop being a friend
i'll be there for you even if it's from a distance
because slowly, we'll have to part ways
and eventually, i'll cease to matter


*


familiarity breeds contempt


*


i've been a liar and i'll never amount to
the kind of person who deserves to worship You
You said You will not dwell on what i did
but rather, what i do
You said, "I love you, and that's what you are getting yourself into."


Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me


*


most days,
i'm sick of myself
i wish i could run
run from this unraveling of my inner demons
run from the person i don't want to be
run from the people that reflects this being

i'm only human

i need to recuperate too


*



i find hope in the resurrection of Christ
He alone is my source of life


i wanna thrive
not just survive



Friday, October 14, 2016

A Wave in the Ocean

human beings are able to adapt.

the place we grew up in is our natural habitat.

somewhere between the age of 16-21 years, a human gets thrown into a different habitat.
they are forced to adapt and live in the new place whether they like it or not.

sooner or later, they grow comfortable. or maybe they don't. i don't know.
but the longer you stay in a place, the more tolerant you are towards your surrounding.
you even grow to like or become fond of the things you have around you. you begin to like the new place.
but then maybe you get pushed out a little. you start to live without what you were given and realise that you might not actually need it or like it as much.
so drifting apart occurs.

as we grow, things don't get any simpler.
they get more complex.
we think of things we never used to think about.
things that don't matter start to matter.
we start coming to our own conclusions,
leaving things unsaid
because we think we know better

trying becomes so scary because there's a whole world of possibilities
we feel so small, so insignificant
like a drop or a wave in the ocean

but little do we know, that without that drop or that wave in the ocean
the ocean is less
and to be a part of that ocean,
even if just a drop or a wave,
is to be a part of something whole

and that is the beauty of creation

God leaves no creation alone and meaningless



note: this post wasn't meant to be scientific in any way at all. pardon me if there were any factual misinterpretations/misconceptions

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Stream-trotting

irrelevant
a failure
too sheltered,
too vulnerable to be able to protect her

you act so strong
but you're so weak
you've spoke with such confidence,
such strength at heart
like you were gonna win the war
before you start to fight

i've been questioning
if i was wrong
or what did i ever do that was never right
but i realise that it isn't what i've done
but that i'll never amount to enough

so naive, young and vile
you speak as if you're meant to die
you look down on all,
and yourself even
you realise that you're weak,
and prone to be,
'the me that i will always be'

you give up because
you're not strong enough
but in the process,
you're telling God that He isn't enough
that He is unable to make things right

oh you of little faith

it's not fair to speak on behalf of others
but no one will tell you what it is really,
so you imagine the worst


*


this was never meant to last
i wish it wasn't so


*


so many things i want to say
but i'm not sure if it's fair to say it
i speak as if my problems are so big
as if my feelings are so irrational
it's not fair to people who have bigger problems and deserve to speak of it

but it's also not fair to disregard my problems as petty
a problem is a problem is a problem
as are feelings
i don't know where i'm getting with this
but i'm sorry
i'm sorry for all the times i've disregarded the feelings of others
like they don't mean a thing
because everything means something to us personally
and that's all that matters

God, i look to You
it's difficult
i can't seem to set sight on You as long as i'd like
but Your love never runs out on me
may i never lose this wonder