Friday, December 28, 2012

Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw #2

some days,
i wish i wasn't so foolish
i wish i never let my feelings
and emotions
get in the way, of our friendship


i regret a lot
but i know that nothing happens for no reason
the more i think about it,
the more i want to fly off a building

but i'm so grateful for everybody
that God has sent
to make the journey more bearable


it feels like i'm making the same mistake all over again
but sometimes,
i fight, cause i am the war inside, i fight,
i say that i have a right to feel
and you can't dictate that.

but then again,
who am i to dictate how you feel about it?
it's the irony of it

it feels like people don't understand
and those who do,
they leave me alone
it hurts sometimes,
but it has made me a better, a stronger person

so i'm so glad
for all the people
for all the friendships
and for helping me to see
the selfishness i am capable of

i'm so glad
that God is good
to allow good things to happen to me

God, You give and You take away,
but my heart will still choose to say,
"Lord, blessed be Your name!"

Monday, December 24, 2012

The Mountains, The Skies, The Birds & Butterflies

hi. Youth Camp 2012, i saw pretty mountains, the trees on them. the skies so majestic, the sunlight and the clouds. the birds and butterflies, flying about. i saw some blue butterflies, some white and orange ones. a praying mantis, and just the sound of the birds chirping. i was so grateful, so grateful for the beauty of the earth, and all that is in it, is His, is His.


suddenly i can feel again
suddenly i cry
and i don't know why

God, i know You're more interested in building character in me
not taking away my circumstances
God, You help me overcome


some nights i wish that this all would end
cause i could use some friends for a change

you know my heart threatens
like a gun to the head
it threatens to break
because i'm falling to pieces

i don't know what to do
and my heart is going frantic
but i reason,
"that's the point"
the point is to not know,
so that your heart can trust
but my mind won't go

i would wish
for a long talk
so to satisfy
the questions of my heart

if i were to say
i miss you a lot
i wouldn't know
what i would be rambling about

it all seems so wrong
when i thought it was right
to finally say out the questions i kept
it felt so nice

like releasing something
you've been struggling to lockdown
for so long,
it's so long
and my heart cries
for it is in pain
it is suffocating

and i don't know
what anymore
cause when i look at the night sky,
it is disrupted by the street lights
so i wish to again,
be under the same sky
watching the same moon,
gazing at the same stars

Sunday, December 2, 2012

I Feel Again

i went to church in the morning
and as always,
God refreshes me so generously
i don't even know if that's the right word
cause His love is indescribable :)

and then i went to check if the bank was open
(hey, i was just trying my luck okay)
and it wasn't
but great news! i found a McDonald's voucher
that would cover for my lunch

so, i was in a dilemma
whether to go to Jusco or the 24-hours branch
as you know, malls on a Sunday isn't exactly a place you would like to 'drop by' and grab lunch. parking issues.
but i decided to go to Jusco since it's slightly more convenient, bar the parking issues.

okay, so let's cut the long story short,
i found a parking place
like one parking place
don't know how the other cars would have missed that,
but i'm extremely grateful
this is me, experiencing God the Provider :)
really, really.

and then there was youth!
it was Praise and Prayer today.
so we sang like 9 songs. lol
it was good. really.

and then 15 of us went to McD for dinner.
had a great laugh, a great time!

yes, i'm so happy. :D

and the last highlight of the day:
serious conversations with two friends

i am so grateful
so thankful
for the people God has blessed me with
for providing for me in times of need

God is good, all the time
and He always wants the best for us! :)

i wish you lots of rainbows and butterflies and sunshine

Saturday, December 1, 2012


"..and though the embers are new, whatever you do just don't let the fire die"
- Embers by Owl City


hey, SPM is over.
no, there's not much to say
though, yes, i would like to express my feelings
but as usual, i'm not sure how.


a wound that was exposed,
i thought i would heal
yes, i believe
that there's no wound He cannot heal

but sometimes i'm not sure
why i seem to hurt
cause no matter what i do
i just can't let it go

yes, the pain has been dealt with
i have already tried to learn
i am able to handle it better
but that doesn't mean it won't burn

it's like you pick at the scabs,
the scabs of the old wound
the very wound you caused
the very wound that wouldn't heal

and this battle in my mind,
are the thoughts that lead to ones
ones that were sweet because
there were people that helped be there for me

so i close my eyes,
and go back in time,
i can see you smiling,
you're so alive
we were so young
we had no fear
we were so young
we had no idea that life was just happening

i wish things were the same
that they never changed
because you would still be here
even though it really hurts

but i know
that you were sent
when i couldn't handle
it on my own

but i know
that you were taken
because if that didn't happen,
you would be all i'm holding on to

and again
i testify
that God's strength, and God's grace
has never failed me ever

He is true to His word,
that He will never leave or forsake me
and he has never
though i may be unfaithful,
He is always faithful

things happen because
God is more interested in changing our hearts
than our circumstances

circumstances are engineered in such a way
that, like gears,
it will work our hearts,
to be all He wants it to be

and i am glad,
i am glad,
that God,
You are my God.
and i will ever praise You!


i wouldn't trade it for anything, my souvenirs

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Normal is pretty hard to come by

well i've decided to do a normal post since it's been a long time since you saw one here
and also, there's been really happening stuff happening!

okay my number one purpose of posting up this normal update
is because
i'm going to get my first original Owl City album!
and guess what? it's the latest one, The Midsummer Station! :D
and guess what? it's free!
becausseeeeee, my cool brother, Abel Chi (mind you, he's not only cool just cause he won this album for me, he has always been cool) won it for me!
he listened to the radio and texted in for me!
he didn't give up and he answered the call and yayyyy!
they're gonna mail the album to us :D

i thank God for Carmen, she told me bout Fly fm giving away the album
i thank God for Fly fm, for giving away Owl City's CD
i thank God for Abel, for helping me! :D

God is good all the time! :)

well yeah, besides that,
there's nothing much else i want to say.

so good bye! and 'til next time!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Sky Dive

i'm a sky diver,
i sky dive without a cord


days like these are pretty mundane
because being tired,
being exhausted,
it numbs out all other emotions

it's not apathy,
it's just like how
kimchi soup
overpowers chinese tea
any time

that's how tiredness numbs out all other emotions
it makes you feel the pain less,
not like any other day


why do you love someone?
is it because of the flavour they gave to your days?
or do you love them because they were there when everybody else went away?

personally, i have come to love the one that was there for me,
when everyone else walked away
because the one was sent to make my burdens easier to bear
was there when all those,
who contributed to my cotton candy days,
left me at the carnival,
in the cold, cold rain

but on days i reminisce,
i remember the carnival days
when different people made me happy all day
and i'm still grateful that it was that way

but inevitably,
it is the one,
the one who walked in,
right on time
it is the one,
that you'll hold dear to your heart
because of the pain that they alleviate

but most days i'm afraid
that you'll walk away
seeing that i'm no longer afraid
that i can cope on my own, anyway

i love you the way,
i want to see you in the front pews
of my wedding day,
with your spouse

but even if it does break me,
if you were to walk away
i wouldn't fret nor say
that you never cared anyway
because, at least, there were days
when you helped alleviate the pain
but sooner or later,
you'll still be the one that got away


i wouldn't,
i would not,
let anything get in the way

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


so let my paint you a picture
one with unicorns and rainbows
cause maybe in a parallel universe,
them unicorns are saying,
"i don't believe humans exist"

because personally,
i really like Skittles
the red-packet ones,
not the green-packet ones
though, yes,
green is obviously my favourite colour

and i seriously like the song Amateur Lovers by Switchfoot
if i really would paint you a picture,
that song would be it's theme
it's about spontaneity and doing before thinking
it's exactly what i want my picture to be
love, and enjoying it
rock star-ish, and p-p-p-professional! (listen to the song to get this line)

and if the picture would have a cover for it,
i would definitely pick the album cover of All Things Bright And Beautiful by Owl City
because it is a picture of all things bright and beautiful anyway :)

because sometimes i like it
how my blog posts seem to be painting a picture for you to see
it paints a picture of what i feel
a picture of what i want to say

so today is like the sun after a crazy storm
you're so happy that the thunder decided to stop rumbling
that the lightning decided to stop blinding your eyes
that the dark clouds have seemingly disappeared
that there's a hint of the sun and it's bright

and look! there's even a rainbow!
aside from the already comforting cool breeze
from the birds singing in the sky
from the white clouds moving by

and you don't remember what it's like anymore
because you're so taken aback
at the beauty in store
and it's like God's canvas washed away,
a new picture up again,
some hope instilled again,
some sun after the rain.

God bless you :)

Monday, September 10, 2012


some days it gets messed up
i don't remember having mood swings these bad
i don't remember last night
i don't remember the good times we had

i think i'm crazy
cause sometimes,
i cannot seem to control what i feel

the shaking
trying to stop the tears from falling
i cannot

because at times like these
i don't know why i still wish
it only makes it hurt worse
it only make it less bearable

nobody bothers to understand anymore
the way things are turning out,
i'm heading for some sort of breakdown
i'm speeding toward it
and i don't even know why

i don't even remember how to let it out anymore
i don't even remember what it's like anymore
to have someone understand you
like a mother understands their child

i don't even understand anymore
i don't even try to anymore

i'm now in the ocean
i don't struggle to stay afloat,
because i'm drowning
the oxygen slowly escaping me
my lungs burning,
burning for some air to breathe

i'm crying,
but the waves slowly fights them off my cheek
they dissolve into the sea
because it is salt water as it is

i don't know why i still wish
but i do
and when i do,
i am thankful
that at least i had been able to experience it


and knowing that God, You still love me no matter how annoying,
how literally crazy,
how dramatic,
and how stupid i get.
You still love me, and i am amazed by You.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Sunshine & Success

Success, sunshine. they associate sunshine with success.


sometimes, you don't realize the absence of something until you get it back.
then it all suddenly clicks, and you think to yourself, "oh! so that's what felt missing for the past few weeks!"

i think it's been a long time since i saw the rain


at this age, at this tender age... (no, this is no tender age. they're all probably indirectly insulting us with this sarcasm!) the itch for success is felt by the soul.
the itch for success is, in other words, the urge or desire to succeed.

and yes, honestly, i do want to be successful in the eyes of this world.

sometimes, i imagine that one day, i'd end up as a doctor. saving lives, doing good, impacting the lives of patients i treat.

other times, i imagine myself as an engineer, or a scientist. and i'd be known for building/inventing something great.

but really, what are the odds? i'm an art student.

so i imagine myself as a writer. i imagine that i'll write inspirational stuff and have it published, sell it at the cheapest price possible, giving it to the poor for free.

well sometimes, i'm more down to earth. so i imagine my future as a successful lecturer of some subject. i imagine walking in to class and being an inspiration, educating students at its best. hopefully someday ending up like Phunsukh Wangdu of '3 Idiots'.

but really, do we conform to the world's idea of success? cause what is success, really?
to you, to me, to them, it may mean something different.
to God, it means something else entirely.

so at the end of the day,
i throw away all the ideas of my imagination.
i come back to a place where i try my best to keep in my head that i want to succeed in God's eyes only.

it's like having shoes made especially for you, but instead, choosing some other shoe cause it appeals to the world.

..well, maybe that didn't make sense, but you get me. :)


I am the raindrop falling down,
Always longing for the deeper ground
I am the broken, breaking seas
Even my blood finds ways to bleed


there are points in life where you need to make big, important decisions.
those decisions are what decide your future.
but honestly, i have not lived like i want to succeed.

God bless you :)

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Torn Between

i don't know if i should make the most of every second now,
and regret it later
regret it later,
because i allowed a flame that i know will extinguish, to grow and to burn
i allowed my hopes to be raised when i know it will die

i don't know if i should let you go,
and regret it later
regret it later,
because i have not allowed a friendship to grow, because i am selfish
i have not allowed a friendship to grow because of my emotions and paranoia

you never know if you're right or wrong if you never try
but sometimes,
just sometimes,
i am contented
or rather, complacent
because if i don't try, i don't get hurt
i only suffer the pain of waiting
and it's nothing compared to the humiliation and regret

this is what i think
and i may be wrong
because i'll never know if i'm right or wrong if i never try

loneliness comes in different forms
i wonder if tonight you're feeling one?
know that even when you can't see the stars,
they are there
and sometimes if you stare at the sky long enough,
you will see the picture God painted
you will see that you are not alone
that He is with you and will always be

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

Friday, June 22, 2012

If i Die Young

okay, so just saying,
if i die young, or if i die early,
tell my bro to search for my small green book.
it's the one that says 'thoughts and ideas' on it.
it'll either be in my school bag or something.

i've started writing some mini letters to certain people
i will continue as the days go by
i'm sorry if i didn't have the time to write you one
and if i did, that's not all that i wanna say, but words can only say so much

i have this other journal but it's best i don't disclose it's location lest someone breaks into my house to get hold of it.
just know that it has a really long red ribbon in it and if you find it, give to the person who wrote on the paper in my green book's last page(in the pouch)
sorry if this is too confusing to understand.

but don't worry, i don't think you'll need to use any of that information any time soon. i just left this post in case anything happens.
ps. oh, if i'm still very well and alive, i hope you respect my privacy and don't go steal my green book. hehehe


God has been great
He has been amazing
His love that surrounds me
His strength that sustains me

You are beautiful, God
so beautiful

God bless you! :)

Sunday, June 3, 2012

So i Was Wondering..

do you ever think that the world is unfair?
that nobody else, even your friends, think that you are capable of being sad?
that everyone thinks that your life is perfect?
that your emotions don't matter?

do you ever feel like you're the only one faking a smile?
like everybody else lets their walls down so easily
and all you can do is sit there and watch everyone swarm toward them,
giving them the comfort that they need

do you ever think that nobody truly cares?
because the world is selfish and yeah,
you're probably not capable of ever being sad,
so why should anyone bother bout how you feel?

do you ever feel like you're all alone and no one's there?
and yeah, everyone has their own people to talk to
one moment, people tell you how great a friend you are
and the next, they can't even decipher your codes of resistance

do you ever feel like no one understands?
that everyone seems to pass you by,
because to them, you look like you need some time alone,
but your heart screams for some attention

because at the end of the day, no, you're not alone
and yes, you have gone too long THINKING that you're alone, but no.
insecurity can blow your mind, and not in a good way, mind you.
but hey, why don't you let your walls down just to someone you actually trust?
yeah, you probably forgot how to trust anyone, but no man is an island.
there are times for solitude, but there are times when all you need to do is let it out

and yea, at times you forget that God is there
that He will never fail
that He is always there and He allows things to happen for a reason
that He will never leave even when everyone else has walked away

so i'd like to apologize if i have ever been unfair to you
or if i made it seem like you weren't capable of being sad
or that your emotions didn't matter
if i was never there and never deciphered your codes of resistance
if i never understood, or i passed you by
i'm sorry that i'm not a good friend when i'm needed

thank You, God, for the friends You've given me.
for the friends that were there in times of need
and when no one was there, i thank You for being my sustenance and comfort.

God bless!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

'If Speed's A Pro, Inertia Must Be A Con'

love has to be solid and grounded,
love cannot just be floating about,
slipping away, or shifting around
the reason for gravity
the reason for inertia

(*note : i still don't fully understand the concept. i'm just blogging bout what i feel. :P )


i believe in love because the person that i am suppose to fall in love with hasn't caught my eye

sounds pretty absurd, eh?
as nonsensical as it may seem,
that is one of the reasons why i believe in love
of course i believe in love cause God has shown me His unfailing love.
but let's talk about a different kind of love here.
the kind of love which pushes you toward commitment, toward planning for the day where you say, "Yes, i do." at the altar.

my thinking may seem a little idealistic.. okay, okay. VERY idealistic
but hey, what's a dreamer gotta do if it ain't to dream? :D

i watch movies, i watch TV series
i hear stories, i read romance novels(okay, minus the 's' cause as far as i remember, i've only read one :P)
and yes, i know,
my love story will never be as fictitious as portrayed in those movies
"Never compare your story to those in movies because those were written by scriptwriters and yours by God."
but at the end of the day,
it leaves you hoping,
it leaves you believing,
believing that one day, you will finally be able to write about your own love story
to tell everyone that, YES love exists!

but of course, not in all cases
people make the wrong decisions,
but i'm not here to talk about that (only cause i haven't got my views organized on this!)

so, i believe in love because i have not met the person that i'll be in love with
it's like,
a unicorn!
i hear people talk about this mythical creature,
and i believe them!
and i'm pretty sure that i'll believe it when i see it!

love is waiting,
love does not rush


This picnic will soon depart
Real life, I'm sad to see you go
I'll miss you with all my heart
But I'd rather be alone
'Cause I couldn't live without
Sunsets that dazzle in the dusk
So I'll drag the anchor up
And rest assured, 'cause dreams don't turn to dust

God bless you! (:

Monday, April 16, 2012

A Beautiful Letdown

why do we fall for people?
why do we fall for people who obviously like someone else & will never fall the same way for you?

it's pretty weird
we know that we shouldn't feel the way we do
but we continue building it up
like building a castle out of paper cups on a windy day at the beach
will not the cups fly toward the ocean or at any direction?
will you not be left brokenhearted?




'We don't know what we're doing'
'Let's do it again'
Not in this case.
we don't know why these things happen
we are lost & confused
how do we fix things?
how do we relieve the pain?
how do we make each other laugh again?


i hear the sound of my heart beating but 'a warm body don't mean i'm alive'


'What time is it where you are?
i miss you more than anything'
'& it's driving me mad, i miss you so bad.'
is there someone i can build a fresh friendship with?
cause i've broken all that i had and i don't feel like fixing anything.
There's no point looking back anyway.


God, chisel away. even though it hurts & it's painful, chisel away God, i know You'll never forsake me (:


i just want a friend i can tell anything to!
talk to about ANYTHING!
an almost best friend! someone who'll tell me what's wrong.
someone who can sense when there's something wrong.
someone who knows that i actually hate the silence unless i'm happy.
that ultimately knows that i just need someone there for me. & will accept me for who i am & care.

i am a dark shadow
i don't know where i go
i don't know why people don't understand me
i don't know why me caring is misunderstood as something else
why won't anybody see through me?
see that i need love & care?
i'm just like every other human
i think others get more love than me
but nobody sees.


Every lost friendship is like the rain, it rains, and rains & sometimes it floods. it destroys some of the things we have and things never seem to get better. but remember that the sun will shine again & the rain clouds are sure to go away. it won't rain forever & things will get better. take heart. (:

& friends are like the rain clouds (:
even when the rain clouds leave,
you still feel the loss of the friendship because you're still drenched


i asked for the crash
the meltdown
to see that person with someone else ;
i got it.

because i know it was never meant to be.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

What Runs Through The Mind Of A Teen

okay, besides all the dramatic "i'm so hurt", "everyone only knows how to hurt me", "life sucks", in plain words, negativity and selfishness.

but here's what's running through my mind now.
i know it's pretty... typical. corny. cheesy. whichever it's supposed to be, but just bear with me. :D

okay, so.
we have crushes on people right?
some on singers, footballers, actors (speaking from a girl point of view here, duh.)
but sometimes we have a crush on people we know
people we talk to on a daily basis, weekly basis, or whatever basis. lol.
and how many times do you have a crush on someone ON PURPOSE?!

so yes, every time i have a crush on someone,
i feel bad for thinking about that person. (i really do not know why i am blogging this out since blogging this will keep a record of this and one day i will read this again and laugh at myself for being so dumb)
i mean, yeah. it's like wasting my time only i think about these people. lol.

this particular one, i'm really singing Accidentally In Love by Counting Crows.
like, i NEVER imagined myself having a crush on this person (i really feel stupid for blogging about this...)
like, i don't know why i think about him
it's so weird
cause he's not the kind of guy i would have a crush on.
i like guys who... okay fine, i don't know what kind of guys i like.
but he's just NOT the kind...
but yeah
i'm gonna regret this in a few hours.
okay, thanks for listening to me ya'll!

i need to tell you all something
like really so very the happy.
like beyond happy it's crazy.
God's joy is not only unspeakable joy, it's UNCONTAINABLE JOY!
so hard to contain! i buzz every minute! lol... wait that didn't make sense.
erm, yeah.
  1. it was Easter!
  2. there was church!  (enough a reason to be happy)
  3. when i was serving during worship, i was really blessed. i mean, when you're serving, you're blessing God's Name, but when i served, i was so blessed. i could feel God in our midst. and i was so blessed by that
  4. JESUS LIVES, so yea, knowing that, i could feel Him in our midst and because He lives, i can face tomorrow! :D
  5. the message that Pastor John Ooi spoke touched me. i could really feel God's love.
  6. YOUTH!
  7. worship at youth made me really happy! :) i could feel God in our midst again! :D
  8. then it was GAMES! :D i was in an all girls team before they decided to drag Cheng and Adrian into our team. was supposed to go to Sean's team but thank God i didn't cause i really had fun with all the girls.... and Cheng.... hahah. yea, the games was really fun! :)
  9. OH, REZA SALLEH REPLIED ME! TWICE! will upload the pic i print screen soon! :)
  10. i was just so happy lah. God really makes me so happy everyday! He's my Superhero! my Star, my Best Friend! :D


i should really quit the caps, right?


Saturday, March 31, 2012

Haven't Met you Yet

"Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again.
Most women are surprised to realize that even a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle.
When a man loves a woman,periodically he needs
to pull away before he can get closer."


why do i suddenly have so much to say?
my favourite quotes from that Part Time Indian Diary book (yes, i have forgotten it's name)
my anticipation on reading two more books, even if they are ebooks (yes, i have a record of successfully finishing 0 ebooks)
my monologues(if i may call it that) typed in my phone at the driving ceramah
more thoughts on what my life is (like driving a manual car)
more on why i believe in love (because the person that i am suppose to fall in love with hasn't caught my eye)
and much more that i forgot.


well, Arsenal is playing against QPR tonight
i'm sick
i am going to sleep now
i am going to wake up at 9.30pm
bye, God bless!

Friday, March 30, 2012

Does The Rain Show you How To Love?

the rain,
like madness,
it hits the window panes

the lightning,
so fierce,
but the thunders roar so mild, in vain

the wind,
so cold,
i swear, if it touches my bare cheek,
it will leave a scar, or a glow

so do i run outside?
and feel the rain pour on my skin?
do i challenge the wind?
do i ask for what men cannot give?
for what only nature can,
and what nothing else will?

and i wonder,

if love, like rain do happen
like let's say,
so eagerly stomping the earth
so passionately upon the land

if love, like lightning do flash
like let's say,
so brightly
not letting anyone not know

if love, like thunder do declare
like let's say,
so mildly but strong
so eagerly even if it may be wrong

so do i run outside?
and feel the love strike in my veins?
do i challenge myself?
do i say that love,
like rain, happens?
that love,
like lightning, flashes?
that love,
like thunder, declares?

but it all comes down to this,
1 Corinthians 13 verses 4 to 8
that "Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails..."

and then i think,
what if love is bold?
if love is none of the above...
but then i realize,
that if love is bold without the above,
love is foolish

it is only right to be bold in love,
when what you're being bold for,
is for the person you love.
when you are being bold,
for the right reasons.

and trust me,
what's right in my eyes, may not be right in yours.

so at the end of the day,
we should come back to God, and seek His wisdom
because who will know best for your loved one,
if it's not Him who made us all? :)

"For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again."


man, it's pretty crazy how a gush of wind on my face can cause me to be inspired to write a whole post for you all. :D
God, everything You make is good, is inspiring. :)

God bless!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Skipped School

(man, this feels good, blogging about my daily life!)

last night when i was about to sleep,
my stomach felt really uncomfortable
i felt like vomiting...
but after awhile, it felt like it was going to come out from the other side of the body instead of my mouth... if you get what i mean :P

so yea,
i woke up and went downstairs cause i really felt uncomfortable
mum asked me to sleep downstairs,
so i sat on the room chair waiting for my body to finally give in and throw up whatever it needs to throw up

after awhile it did excrete stuff.
i didn't vomit so i still felt a bit uncomfortable,
so i went online. ahahahahahha
then i okay edy, then i slept at like 2am

woke up at 6.30am cause of alarm, felt like go fever.
it's been a loooooooooooonngggg time since i had fever
so yea,
quite bad la. my fingers and toes were VERY cold
but the rest of my body was VERY hot

i went to bathe and bla bla bla
went to sleep again
woke up at 9.30am
still feeling very sick.
it goes on and on and on la.
woke up, slept back, woke up, slept back,
dad bought bubur mcD for me for lunch
and panadol actifast,
then i ate and went back to sleep
i even skipped tuition.
i finally woke up at 6 something
i'm feeling better, but my head still feels heavy.

but yea,
i'm fine i guess.
God will be my strength and my Healer! :)

God bless!

Monday, March 26, 2012


that was probably a huge mood swing yesterday.
i feel really.. really dumb.
i guess that's part of life,
to feel stupid at times because you did something really stupid.

oh well
thank God i feel better now.
He is always there no matter how stupid i may act ._.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Where my Emotions Fade : The Sequel

writing a blog post is subjective
others may not understand the picture you are trying to paint


i am out here alone
at least i'm surfaced
at least i do not struggle for breath

i still am swimming
trying to find some wind
to hopefully sweep past me
that i do not need to swim

that the waves may take me
where ever it may go
that the waters will give me
a chance to still float

i don't know what i am saying
i also don't know what i am feeling
it hurts
and it's cold
but there's a calmness deep in my soul

i look up to the skies again
and i feel the breeze
i am a wretch
i am in pain
i am drowning
i am in fear

but i know,
i know
He who leads me,
will never leave me
He who takes my hand,
will not let me go


in this life i will stand
through my joy and my pain
knowing there's a greater day
there's a hope that never fails


i am the sea on a moonless night,
calling, falling, slipping tides

i am the leaky, dripping pipes
the endless aching drops of light

i am the raindrop falling down,
always longing for the deeper ground

i am the broken, breaking seas
even my blood finds ways to bleed


i still do not want tomorrow to come
i want to skip my whole life

but really,
what is the point of life then if we can just skip it?
so yeah,
i am going to survive
i am going to consider it pure joy to go through this
because persevering through pain will bring perfection one day

and that my soul knows very well

i'll be okay.

Friday, March 16, 2012

how is it possible to be so hurt,
to be so scarred
that you cry every single time you think of it?

i don't know

Where my Emotions Fade

writing a blog post is like painting a picture


i am in an ocean
it's blue
no, it's green
it's pretty
it's as clear as i can see

i am alone, in an ocean
i see the coral reefs,
so colourful,
so pretty
so magnificent like the beach

it's cold
but i like the stars in the sky
it feels like God painted them for me

i am drowning
in my fears
in my tears
but that's what i choose to believe

cause the sea is salty too,
so are my tears
and sooner or later
i will not be able to differentiate them any longer

i feel the breeze on my cheeks
as i struggle to rise above me
as i struggle to rise above the sea
as i struggle to find out that i am not,
not in a tragedy

i find a plank
i am grateful
i float on it,
for what feels like a million days,
and it disappears,
i don't know where it went

i see the sun rise
i see the sun set
but i am still
drowning in my fears
drowning in my tears

why do i cry?
it's the sea,
i need not contribute any salty liquid
the sea is it's own
and i am not the sea's
i am not the breeze
i am me

i wish i had a friend
or at least a plank
to keep me warm
to keep me comforted

i wish you had a heart
to not hurl words
that will tear my wound open
the wound from your previous insult hurling sessions

i wish you never decided
to have a second child
to have me
cause all i give to you
is pain
is sorrow

you'll never find joy in me succeeding
cause no matter what,
a bad luck charm will be a bad luck charm

what i do to find your favour,
i no longer do
cause i see no point in it
i see no point in pleasing you.


after so many times,
you start wondering if you were in denial
or if you really had let it go.
cause no matter how many times you cry,
it'll hurt the next time again.


it's personal,
myself and i, we've got some straightening up to do


i don't want tomorrow to come
can we just skip it?

why do i fear my own birthday?
because i'm afraid of facing the fake people who wish me
the fake friends
the paranoia of them taunting me behind my back,
but putting on a smile and wishing me 'happy birthday' is something i have

the fear of having a celebration when i do not want to be celebrated
cause sometimes i wish i was never born

but i know
this'll all be over in a day
i know i won't have this paranoia in me tomorrow
i know i'll get over it
i know i'll be happy again.

i just need a somewhere to channel my feelings to.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Out Of My Mind

well hey,
here, an extremely unorganized post.
something is always better than nothing. heh

i thank God,
for the lessons He brought me to
then brought me through

i thank God,
for the few people He has given me
so that i can actually talk to about stuff that has been bothering me

i've been at war with myself
i don't understand why i feel the way i feel sometimes
and most of the time,
we dismiss the issue by concluding that 'it's human nature to feel so'

but really, what if there is an underlying issue causing this issue?
i mean, who would know right?
and if you dismiss the issue just like that,
you may never find out.

but then again, if you dwell on it too long,
you'll die of bitterness (figuratively speaking cause i don't think you'll die in a battle with yourself)

so let's just say you fell into a pile of mud
so you already got out of it and found out that what you fell into was a pile of mud
i guess it'd still take a long time to clean yourself out of it
and i guess you'd still ponder upon what made you fall into that pile of mud, no?

hahahahaha. okay ignore me.
i'm not trying to be poetical every time or philosophical
i just find it easier to explain myself through illustrations, though they may not get my point across most of the time. :P

anyway, there. a post for you.
and i don't like waiting for my birthday these few years just because i don't like thinking of the things my friends may do to celebrate.
what am i saying? pshhh.
good bye.
God bless you.
God has always been good, will always be. :)

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Wishlist *Updated

okay, yes i know, i know, i feel mean too for not posting anything meaningful but suddenly coming up with a wishlist.
but it's the only thing i feel like posting up right now. :D
well, i'll post up some of the thoughts i wrote in my 'thoughts & ideas' book... not some, all, as a reward for you ghosts people reading my blog. :)

so here! the wishlist!
(anyway, the links to my previous wishlists : 2010's, 2011's)

  1. Switchfoot previous albums (The Legend of Chin, New Way to Be Human, Learning to Breathe, The Beautiful Letdown, Nothing Is Sound)
  2. Switchfoot merchandise (you may refer to 2011's wishlist for links)
  3. an Arsenal jersey!
  4. ink pens, ball point pens, marker pens?
  5. oh this is quite new, left handed pens. because i just found out that ALL my pens don't like me cause i'm left-handed and the ink dries up ALL the time. go google for more info on left handed pens. :)
  6. those Vincci lime green flats/sandals/whatever you call 'em. i'm size 9! :D
  7. green t-shirts forever! well actually, any t-shirts will do. heh
  8. food! (eg. seaweed!, chocolates, potato chips, oreos, or bake me brownies/chocolate chip cookies!) you know i love food lor, don't you?
  9. hair accessories (don't know why i bother. lol)
  10. any magazines with interesting articles (cause i read really interesting articles in the Times magazine about Lionel Messi and introverts the other day. doesn't matter if it's outdated. :D    )
  11. new headphones
  12. cool bags? this is a bit risky to buy though as my taste in 'fashion' is pretty complex and unusual
  13. Owl City albums (i don't own any original Owl City albums)
  14. Owl City merchandise (check this out)
  15. anything One Direction!!! :D
  16. if you're from KL, you should get me Busco's In Search Of EP!
  17. oh, this one's an old wish. get me a Playstation 1, Suikoden, Suikoden II and Harvest Moon : Back To Nature! :D
  18. oh! you can belanja me Chatime(brown rice green milk tea with grass jelly) or Baskin Robbins!
  19. colourful handmade birthday cards are like the cutest besides handwritten letters! :)
  20. well, honestly, i'll appreciate anything you get for me even if it's just a leaf with my name on it or whatever.

well of course, i just post a wishlist up for fun.
i know i'll only get one or two items on the list, but really, i'll be happy with whatever you give me.
the most precious thing i can get is your friendship :)
so yes,
i hope everyone has a great week ahead!
stay positive cause there's always hope in God
He'll never leave, He'll never fail
so look up when you're down! :D

God bless you!

Friday, February 10, 2012

so why do people blog about what they're feeling?
what if what you're feeling is really impulsive or childish or horrible,
would you still blog about it?

i do want to blog everything i feel
but sometimes i don't see the point in it
i find it somewhat attention seeking
because yes, sometimes i think i blog about my feelings so that people will pay attention to my life...
this is already blogging about what i feel
and it may be impulsive or childish

but i don't know

Friday, January 13, 2012

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Finally i'm Forced To Face The Truth...

no matter what i say i'm not over you

Gavin DeGraw's Not Over You has been on replay for the past few days. found some really good covers too :)
i realize that this will all be only just a dream

we know that the first stage is the prettiest
your heart goes crazy just at the sight of his name/picture
you go crazy when he talks to you
it's so crazy that you start smiling like an idiot..
but the problem is, will this all just be left there?
i mean there's literally no space for us to grow
we're stunted
i don't see us happening in the future
Conclusion : i'm an idealistic realist.

we know that the latter stage is the ugliest
you're either broken or it isn't a pretty sight
your heart still goes crazy at the sight of his name/picture
you still go crazy when he talks to you
it's so crazy that you heart heaves a sigh because you remember all the times he talked to you
but the problem is, will this all just be left there?
i mean we built us up, then tear us down, like an old abandoned house
we're no longer what we used to be
i don't see us happening in the future
Conclusion : i'm an idealistic realist.

what i'm saying may not make sense. i don't even understand some of the words i'm using.

but i look around, and i see people in love.
but i can't determine my own love.
i am not in a rush,
and i know love is waiting,
love will wait, but what does it take to know you're in love?
what does it take to know that you're ready for a commitment?

just curious :)
i type what i think

28th November 2011

Alone in nature with the perfect breeze,
Fine, i'm actually on a balcony
The balcony of my hotel room
facing the sky,
The mountains & greens, so perfect, alike.
I hear the artificial waterfall, down below
not all natural but soothing enough
Tis' my escape, i've always adored,
away from the pace, where i come from.
Here, i watch as the cloud move by,
wondering if humans have grace alike,
oh God, how wonderful Your creation be,
oh God, how beautiful, all the abandonment i see,
I see Your power in the sky,
I see Your glory shine so bright,
I see You paint the clouds go by,
I see You paint the colours tonight.


well, i wrote that when i was in Cameron Highlands last year :)