Friday, March 16, 2012

Where my Emotions Fade

writing a blog post is like painting a picture

*

i am in an ocean
it's blue
no, it's green
it's pretty
it's as clear as i can see

i am alone, in an ocean
i see the coral reefs,
so colourful,
so pretty
so magnificent like the beach

it's cold
but i like the stars in the sky
it feels like God painted them for me

i am drowning
in my fears
in my tears
but that's what i choose to believe

cause the sea is salty too,
so are my tears
and sooner or later
i will not be able to differentiate them any longer

i feel the breeze on my cheeks
as i struggle to rise above me
as i struggle to rise above the sea
as i struggle to find out that i am not,
not in a tragedy

i find a plank
i am grateful
i float on it,
for what feels like a million days,
and it disappears,
i don't know where it went

i see the sun rise
i see the sun set
but i am still
drowning in my fears
drowning in my tears

why do i cry?
it's the sea,
i need not contribute any salty liquid
the sea is it's own
and i am not the sea's
i am not the breeze
i am me

i wish i had a friend
or at least a plank
to keep me warm
to keep me comforted

i wish you had a heart
to not hurl words
that will tear my wound open
the wound from your previous insult hurling sessions

i wish you never decided
to have a second child
to have me
cause all i give to you
is pain
is sorrow

you'll never find joy in me succeeding
cause no matter what,
a bad luck charm will be a bad luck charm

what i do to find your favour,
i no longer do
cause i see no point in it
i see no point in pleasing you.

*

after so many times,
you start wondering if you were in denial
or if you really had let it go.
cause no matter how many times you cry,
it'll hurt the next time again.

*

it's personal,
myself and i, we've got some straightening up to do

*

i don't want tomorrow to come
can we just skip it?

why do i fear my own birthday?
because i'm afraid of facing the fake people who wish me
the fake friends
the paranoia of them taunting me behind my back,
but putting on a smile and wishing me 'happy birthday' is something i have

the fear of having a celebration when i do not want to be celebrated
cause sometimes i wish i was never born



but i know
this'll all be over in a day
i know i won't have this paranoia in me tomorrow
i know i'll get over it
i know i'll be happy again.

i just need a somewhere to channel my feelings to.

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