Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Cili Padi (Love Is?)

tak nak bagi cili padi to siapa-siapa (Translated: not trying to direct this specifically to anyone)
but certain things trigger my brain to think
and i seem to have a hobby of thinking particularly about relationship-related issues

but, how can someone be so sure it's love?
(please, i am not directing this to anyone. don't terasa. i'm not condemning anyone. give me space to think)
after 5 years, and i can't even decide whether what i felt was real or just made up
even after 5 years, i am still uncertain whether or not it is love

how then can one be so sure after their first meeting, few weeks of talking, few months of dating, half a year of relationship(where sparks wildly fly) that it is love?
that the person you 'fell in love with' is someone you can never live without (if you don't try, you won't know)
what are words, really?

again, i stress, love is so much more than just feelings and emotions
you can feel so much, you can say so much, you can promise so much
but is that it?

is love a boat?
let's picture love as a boat
2 people come together and want to build a boat together
they claim to love,
and what is this claiming?
it's talking about how they want the boat to look like
they may even draw out the plan for the boat
calculate the costs(though usually inaccurately)
buy the materials
but if you don't actually get your hands dirty, build the boat,
then it isn't love
your 'love' is all talk

have you heard them say that love is a verb?
love isn't something you merely feel
it is a commitment
love isn't just during good times
like how your boat isn't just good when it is on calm, pretty waters
your boat has to be able to withstand the storms
cause storms are inevitable
and if you don't build a boat that's gonna last the storm,
it's not gonna work
your boat's gonna crash, you're gonna sink, maybe get shipwrecked
and do you blame the boat?
do you blame the other person?
do you blame the inaccurate calculations?
do you blame the materials used to build the boat?

i conclude that,
you don't fall in love
love is something you've got to build
and if you want it to be all pretty and beautiful,
think of the boat
you've got to work for the boat to be pretty and beautiful

people tell me that the word 'love' is being taken so lightly these days
it's being thrown around like it doesn't matter
but our hormones, our feelings, our emotions,
they make us believe(and we foolishly do) that we actually are in love

i don't think we can know for sure that we 'cannot live without' a certain someone until we try

that's just what i think
and i don't even know why i'm thinking about all this

and after talking about it a little with one of my friends,
i realise that we can't always be so sure bout everything in life
we've got to go with the flow sometimes and let life surprise us
God has it all planned out for us anyway
so planning every little detail by ourselves, worrying about everything is absolutely unnecessary!

(and i also realise that we should talk and discuss about our thoughts and ideas. it generates further thoughts and ideas!)


okay, i meant to just type up a few lines
look how long the post is!

okay goodbye
i hope you have a great weekend!

God bless you!

Monday, October 28, 2013

Late Night Recollection Of Thoughts

it's 1 o'clock in the morning


been wanting to blog for awhile now

the only reason i'm actually blogging(at this hour) is cause there's no electricity
slept at 10, but an hour later, the seniors were banging on their door(probably locked themselves out) for about, let's say 15 minutes straight? i woke up(obviously, i guess) and when it was finally quiet, my room mate came back and was talking on the phone. i don't blame her i guess.

anyway i went down and sat outside my block(until my phone ran out of battery). super nice weather, kinda inspired me to blog i guess.


i've been randomly wondering what it must feel like to lose a very close friend to their boyfriend/girlfriend

i guess it's an inevitable process unless your friend has decided to be single forever(but even that doesn't guarantee that they aren't gonna find someone that'll sweep them off their feet)

i just wonder sometimes if i'm gonna lose my girl friends to their boyfriends. i mean, they have to give their boyfriend priority, right?
we probably are gonna have to stop spending as much time as we used to
another person to consider

and then there's the matter of having a bestfriend of the opposite gender (not that i am very well-versed in this particular matter, of course)
imagine having this particular friend, so close, so many words exchanged each and everyday
someone you can talk to about anything, just like a normal best friend
not that you both share any romantic feelings
i mean, there's certainly nothing wrong with having a best friend that is of the opposite gender, right?
(not taking the popular belief that you will eventually fall for your best friend into consideration)
you talk all the time, and all that,
so what happens when one of you get together with someone?
doesn't the frequent communication have to stop?
won't things drastically change?
let's assume that we all agree on the above questions,
then what is the point in having this said friendship in the first place if you're gonna lose it in the end?

somebody, rationalise this tangled mess in my head!


"Remember those walls i built? Baby, they're tumbling down"


right now, there are a whole lot of things that looks perfectly fine to me
kind of like,
waters that look perfectly calm, because i've never been in them
or even if they aren't perfectly calm, i think it wouldn't be so bad to be in such waters.
i guess i can't actually judge the waters from afar, right?
i can only conclude after being in those waters myself

as of now, i think being friend zoned isn't that bad
(wait, i actually think i have felt miserable about being friend zoned... ah, i can't remember, so it doesn't count!)
i mean, what's wrong with being friends forever?
unless of course, your friend has been going out with total scumbags and you're actually offering yourself to save your friend from the suffering of another round of heartbreak.
i've always thought that if you love someone(love comes in many forms), the best thing you can offer them is your friendship
romance is always secondary and sometimes(most times, maybe) unnecessary

but i guess emotions tend to mess things up, complicate everything
i for one know what it feels like to have my emotions screw with the friendships i have
and sometimes i can't help but wonder,
why on planet earth can't a guy and a girl stay friends forever?

(i think you get me cause i don't really know how to clearly explain this anymore)


if we know how something is gonna end,
and let's say it's tragically,
why do we still go on with it anyway?
temporary thrill?

but then i remember, we can't predict the future
we don't know for sure how something will end
and even if said event will end tragically,
it isn't necessarily an extremely bad thing
bad things happen to good people,
and we know it makes them stronger

but when temporarily-stupid people use that as an excuse to go on with something that so clearly hurts them,
it makes me believe that they aren't actually very smart at all


"What a peculiar state we're in"
"I want you to burn my bridges down, set me on fire"


it's now 2 o'clock in the morning


people are afraid of getting hurt
and i would understand that
past experiences leave people scarred

but sometimes,
i'm more afraid of hurting
rather than getting hurt

what does this indicate?
belief that i will make it through?
that i am strong enough?
or does this indicate my possible indifference
which may indicate that at the end of it,
i won't lose much

and that is where i fear that there may be a monster inside of me
a monster i never knew i was feeding

i care
i really do
is that enough
to prove that i am
not what i fear to be?


"When sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight"


that was pretty long
and possibly pretty deep

again, i thank God for the gift of being able to express myself in words
and for giving me peace when i'm confused
for being my hope when i'm let down

you know,
even in the midst of all these questions,
One thing i know remains,
His love, His grace, His sovereignty
(wait is that 3 things?)
at the end of the day, God remains
and His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me!

i'm so glad!
so glad for each and everyday
for each and every conversation
for the Word He speaks to me
which is life, nourishment to my soul


"in Your heart of hearts i'll dwell,
and that my soul knows very well"

God bless you! :)

Thursday, October 3, 2013

What We Gonna Be

been so long since i felt this way
and i'm trying not to make things worse
i'm trying not to go further
i think i see where this is going
it's the same thing

.. okay maybe it isn't
but it's the same joy
that will lead to the same consequences
the same innocent start
the same feelings developing
one thing new,
is the lesson i've learnt
to know where this is going
to actually realise what i'm driving into
but still, i let it be
i don't bother trying to let go
i don't even bother trying to leave
and even so i'm not sure where this will go

i keep my hopes alive
i keep my hopes unbroken
i wish for this to stay the same
to not get complicated
but anything involving emotions
will never be all that simple

and i wonder
how are feelings like this ever right?
how does anyone ever find the balance?
and the famous 'where do we go from here?'
so many questions
some i may never get the answer to
but God, i look to You
i'm sorry for all the times i'm selfish
for doing the things i know i shouldn't
and failing to do what i know i should

i pray for strength and wisdom
to deal with whatever You bring me to
and to learn from each trial You bring me through

i find peace when i'm confused
i find hope when i'm let down
not in me, in You

i look to You


how can i decide what's right?
when you're clouding up my mind