Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Walls

wrong.
blind.
to so many things.

i hate how my ego is fed

i hate how i try to justify myself
and how i can adjust my justifications

i hate how much of an idiot i am
i hate how i say so many hurtful things without thinking

i hate how i use people like ladders and words like knives
i hate how i'm a murderer
how i kill people with words

i hate how i act so righteous
how i act like everything is fine in my life
how i make people feel inferior to my being

i don't even deserve any admiration
i am not the person you think i am

i care? i'm calm? i want the best? i look out for people?
bullshit.
i'm nothing like that

i allow myself to tweet on a whim
i don't care what anyone feels

and that's the truth
it's cold, it's hard

and that's why i crave
for someone to tell me that i'm wrong
even though i can be right
at the end of the day,
it's not what i'm doing,
it's why i'm doing it

it's not as simple as it looks
and i think i can cope with all the complications


at times like this,
i want someone to tell me
"you shouldn't have done it"
but i don't want to rob someone's time
with my petty emotions
and maybe rob them of time with their significant other



i can't right the wrong i've done
i can't adjust the guilt i feel
and why does it feel like i believe that i won't change
why does everybody believe that i have everything going fine for me?


i hate myself
how far i've run from God
how big of a hypocrite i am
how i am not willing to let God deal with my faults


there's no dignity to this
to what i've done
to what i get
to my insincerity in words

hate is a strong word
i know


we all talk like it's so easy to forget
i get exactly what i've done to others
and i realise how stupid my words are

but still


give up on me
leave me stranded
let me go
let me find myself
in all my flaws



God,
i'm not asking You to cover up my faults
open my eyes to see more of how i'm hopeless
without You i see no light
no hope of forgiving others
no hope of forgiving myself


what have i become without You?
worse than nothing, i have become a monster.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Disarray

i'm not sure where to start,
not really sure how
i feel like i'm in a daze
but the fear is pretty loud

i'm not sure how i can
how i feel so much
i'm not sure if i can
if i can lead this bunch across

it's like i'm in a river
and all my baggage are tied
they're tied to me and i tied them pretty tight
i rolled them up to be one whole big lump
but now i'm heading towards the sea and they've all fallen down

i'm heading for the ocean
but i'm not sure what for
i guess it kinda seems like that's where i can find an oar

do you ever feel and realise that you hate what you feel
and try to hide it with a similar other feel
emotions can wear you down
but you're not sure why
it's like something's sucking the life of you out




[unfinished but i thought i'd just post it. well God bless you!]

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Restless - Switchfoot

Restless by Switchfoot would best explain what i'm feeling right now
thoughts are in a mess
i have much to say
but not much time
to sit, to waste

*

i am the thorn stuck in your side
i am the one that you left behind
i am the dried up, doubting eyes
looking for the well that won't run dry


*

stray
like i don't belong
like this world is all i cling on
like i know exactly what's wrong

i don't
want to be the person
i've always feared to be
to run away from my everything

*


we are Hosea's wife
we are squandering this life
using people like ladders and words like knives


i am Hosea's wife,
i am squandering this life
i use people like ladders and words like knives


*

All Time Low by The Wanted also seems like the case right now
except the line, "praying won't do it"
because going back to God is what i do
and it's what liberates me from the normalities of this world.
(normalities isn't a word, is it?)

*

the new semester, being my first semester officially in degree, has been somewhat crazy
(precision of language, please [The Giver reference, ignore])
it started of somewhat calm and free
and then the assignments piled on
paired with holidays
and then the drive to complete them being at approximately 0.01%
we've felt the rush of 2 assignments, 3 assignments due on the same day
most due dates were pushed back and we were allowed to breathe a sigh of relief
because even when i completed my assignments, i wasn't sure if they were up to par

nevertheless, i thank God for bringing me through
for being my strength,
for giving me grace.
i honestly do not know how i could have make it this far


*

well yeah, i can't fully express myself right now
i've got work to do
hopefully i'll find the time(and get in the mood) to blog during the 1 week break next week
counting down to being home kills me softly
i really want to be home right now

God bless you!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Throwback

okay so i have an abnormal hobby of reading my Twitter archive(and sometimes scrolling through my Facebook timeline) and i found some stuff. i'm not sure if i got it off somewhere or if i made it up myself or if i've even posted it on my blog before but i doubt i have. so here,


*


You're on a train to nowhere, it brings you into the wilderness & one day it'll leave you stranded there, leaving you to find your way back.
If it's fun while it lasts, will you still take the trip? Knowing that all you'll be left with is a broken heart and painful memories

*
"if we're not meant to be, why did this spark ignite?" one of those questions none of us may ever find the answer to.

*

tonight, is it alright to ask questions about why we feel certain emotions? if it's okay, if it would break? #heartfelt

*

i don't know why, but in the process of building friendships, i always fear the end of it.
i wonder, "What if the good part in a friendship is limited?", "How far do we go from here?", "What if i screw up?" sigh

*

" your boyfriend if he is a different football club supporter and says that he'll support you no matter what."

"FACT : female football supporters have harder time finding boyfriends if they support a club which is not widely supported."

*

"en serio, salir de mi cabeza, muchas gracias"

*

that's all for now. more to come soon, maybe.

God bless you!

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Joys

the drizzle started to fall
and i had to go back in to get my umbrella
as i stepped out again,
it felt like a funeral in the movies
the rain was fresh and i could smell it strong
the ground was still warm,
but the winds were not calm
but my umbrella was yellow
and i figured that it couldn't be
that i was in a funeral like the movies

i went to the cafeteria
for dinner, for food
i haven't exactly been looking forward to this meal
i dreaded the food and its lack of variety
i tried to be thankful, but i found myself complaining
and then i found rice, fried with cabbage
although not fantastic, it was good, for a change
my taste buds were beaming at the different tastes
there was even potato wedges again

and i'm not sure what caused this outburst of poem
but i'm really grateful for the little i get to enjoy
i'm grateful for the weekend, for being able to walk
and ultimately, being able to be in the house of the Lord
as always, there's peace when i'm in His presence
and it's always been a joy to worship in congregation
i thank Him for strength when i've been unable
i thank Him for grace when i've been down under

i start to make no sense,
but let this be known
that the Lord is my God in whom i'm made whole


*


i'll be back in Ipoh in about 17 days. God has been opening my eyes to the works of His hands


if my heart has grown cold, there Your love will unfold
as You open my eyes to the work of Your hands
and my heart will find praise, i'll delight in Your way




God bless you!

Monday, June 2, 2014

Fortunate/Chain Reaction

emotional dependency scares me
i've gone so long not depending on someone
but my definition of long isn't exactly what you would call it
and i guess that's why it scares me
that i become so emotionally dependent on people
i get someone who puts up with my idiocy and i cling on to them like they're my lifeline

i don't seem like that kind of person
but the void i feel,
and what i do when i feel that void,
it's about as creepy as a creeper plant
or something that is quite creepy...

but i want to be as busy as Ed Kennedy
i want to have no one to tell my problems to
because when i talk about my problems,
i'm only feeding my pride and ego
cause in most cases,
i have a valid argument
in other words, i am selfish and i am wrong
but i think i'm right.

have you ever felt vulnerably strong?
i have walls built, sturdy and strong
upright and all, but i'm shaking inside
i look so stable and okay
truth is, i'm a child inside,
i still feel alone
i still feel scared, out of my mind

i'm grateful though
that i'm not all pride and ego now
i've been taught to be humble
to at least acknowledge my flaws
to at least accept that i am not perfect
that i am admittedly a hypocrite



and creating problems by jumping into conclusions,
i go back to a mess of my own,
to a void i've been avoiding (wow)
and i go back to only remember why i went so far away

but it was there
and i couldn't help it
i yearned and i craved
and i wished i could have faded away

i did
but in the end i bent
i broke the rules
and i played the game
and now i feel bad
cause i broke the rules
and i need to get away again




do you ever just know that you don't deserve certain people?
how they're too good for you or something of that sort?
you're too rash and stubborn in the stupidest ways
you don't deserve to have them pull you out of a pit you dug for yourself




tired
i try to clear up a mess,
but i make another
then i trip and fall
and i fall back only onto another mess i've been trying to avoid

clearing the mess up isn't as easy as it seems to be
and i cannot do it with my own strength
i'll only mess it up some more




and have you ever told someone the reason why you 'don't like' them right after they tell you a flaw from yourself?
doesn't it feel terrible?
like you used it as a weapon when  you shouldn't have?

what are words anyway?
you use them to hurt people, but you try to comfort them with words after that?
great move, it's not gonna happen
the damage is done
and i am vindicated, i am selfish
i am wrong,
i am right, i swear i'm right, i swear i knew it all along
and i am flawed


God, i mess up
i mess up
and i mess up
i want to not do anything
so that i don't mess up
the worst part is know that i've hurt people
i've thrown words at them
though they are words that i mean,
but the damage i wish i could do without.

Lord, i don't know what to do
i come to You
i want to know that i am blamed
i don't want to be blamed for something like "being a friend"
(that's an idiotic thing to be blamed for and it feeds my ego)
i want to be straight out blamed for hurting people if i've hurt them
i don't want to act so holy
like there's nothing wrong with me
i get so defensive
and it's true, i think that what i'm doing is so noble
i think that i am defending,
but truth is, when i don't think about what i'm about to say,
and i still choose to say it,
i hurt people
and the damage i do, cannot be taken back


i'm so fortunate to not be in the kinds of heartbreak my friends are facing
but what i do is only create a bigger mess
and cause bigger heartache to my friends.


i don't even know what's fact or fiction anymore
i feel like i'm an apparitions pet.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

what happens when there's a gash?

it hurts

but the pain doesn't matter
it's what might happen that terrifies me

i don't want to grow cold
i don't want to start to hate
i don't want to lose hope
i don't want to turn away
i don't want to be more cynical than i've already become
i don't want to go astray
i don't want to start believing
that it isn't the only way


please don't let me go, i desperately need You

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Vindicated

it felt okay,
it felt good
to call my dad and cry
and be upset about little things

it felt good to have him ask me
why i'm crying
and tell me that i shouldn't cry for such little things

i told him that it's unfair
he told me that the world isn't black and white
it's grey
and normally, i would get more upset that he didn't understand that i can be sensitive
it felt okay
because i was being petty
i was being overly sensitive
i was wrong
and i admit that i was wrong for feeling such things
i was being so selfish


it was comforting at the end
that my dad told me all those stuff

my dad is probably gonna tell my mum
i wonder what my mum would think?
she's never really said anything when she saw me cry
or maybe i don't remember



but at the end of the day,
i realise how i let petty things get to me
i could blame it on PMS
but i guess i won't
i have always been like this

having someone who can tell me that i'm wrong
and i can feel totally okay about it
it doesn't hurt
in fact it feels better


yup, my heart is back home
i need time away from these people
it's not everyone
just certain people
and yeah
i hope i won't be bitter


*


i crave silence
why on planet earth do we have to have small talk?
this getting annoyed with small talk, i blame on the PMS

kinda wish people would leave me alone




Monday, April 21, 2014

Dear God, You're The Only North Star i Would Follow This Far



In this world of news, i've found nothing new
i've found nothing pure
maybe i'm just idealistic
to assume that truth could be fact and form,
that love could be a verb,
maybe i'm just a little misinformed


*


i've been anxious
anxious to get back home
not exactly homesick
just anxious to leave this place

i think i was spoilt in Ipoh
i was so comfortable
maybe now i understand why my dad said i was over sensitive
i cried over little things
even when i had everything

and now? i'm so far from my comfort zone
i can say that i was thrown into the sea
out of the blue
God threw me here
with lots of floats
safety jacket, and lots of comfort
and i am grateful
i shouldn't complain

but i can't help but want to go home

can't stand not knowing when exactly i can go back
i want to be sure that i can take the evening bus on Thursday
to KL.
from KL, i'll take a night bus back home,
i'll reach around midnight
my parents will fetch me
and i will breathe a sigh of relief,
i will be home

(it's only been 3 weeks since i was in Ipoh)

but nope,
we suddenly have an event to help out in
and to be honest,
i am very annoyed
annoyed with the uncertainty
even though i have to go back just a day later
it's less than 24 hours,
why am i so annoyed?

i guess it's just the excitement of being back home
away from the stress and tension
back with the people i love
the people that love me
and with them, love is easy


*


times like these, i love getting calls from my dad
i like telling him that i'm coming back
even though i have to tell him that i'm not sure when exactly i'm going to go back
i just like telling him that i'm coming back


and my aunty texted me about me going back
that was so nice
i have no idea why she texted me about it
but it makes me feel so loved
i feel the love from Ipoh already
makes me want to go home even more


and every time, before i go back,
my mum usually asks me if i have packed or not
that reminds me that i'm going back
and that she acknowledges that i'm going back
and just the littlest things makes me more excited to be back home


*


all of my world hanging on Your love


*


i'll be back for about 23 days
almost as long as my semester break
i thank God for His perfect plans

and let me not forget,
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of you life." Philippians 4:6-7


*


i thank God for Good Friday, that Jesus died
for Easter, that Jesus resurrected and is alive!

i fail, everyday.
but God has never failed.
in fact, every single day,
every single moment
God has been there
He has been my strength
He has brought me through

"My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
 Psalm 73:26


*


might fall asleep in a hospital parking lot some day


this picnic will soon depart
real life i'm sad to see you go,
i'll miss you with all my heart
but i'd rather be alone
cause i couldn't live without sunsets that dazzle in the dusk


*


All attempts have failed,
all my heads are tails.
She's got teary eyes,
i've got reasons why.


Beautiful Times by Owl City feat. Lindsey Stirling

(Lyrics)

A spark soaring down through the pouring rain
And restoring life to the lighthouse
A slow motion wave on the ocean
Stirs my emotion up like a rain cloud

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

A cab driver turned to skydiver
Then to survivor,
Dying to breakdown
A blood brother, surrogate mother,
Hugging each other, crying their eyes out

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

I'm ecstatic like a drug addict
Locked in the attic
Strung out and spellbound

I fought all through the night
Oh, oh, but I made it alive
The sun's starting to rise
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times
This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

A bad feeling burned through the ceiling
Leaving my healing heart with a new scar
A dead fire rose and rose higher
Like a vampire, up from the graveyard

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

We all suffer but we recover
Just to discover life where we all are

I fought all through the night
Oh, oh, but I made it alive
The sun's starting to rise
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times
This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

My heart's burning bad
And it's turning black
But I'm learning how to be stronger
And sincerely, I love you dearly
Oh, but I'm clearly destined to wander


*


if i haven't mentioned yet,
i love Adam Young's lyrics


*


"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

i'll be frank

(i'm not Frank)



*


i'm not very sure,
how an extrovert can have introvert traits.
i guess some people aren't all fully introverts or extroverts
they can be a blend of both

for me, i'm probably an extrovert
but i have my introvert traits and moments
(IMHO it's nothing to pride about being an introvert/extrovert. it's just a personality thing, right?)

i can be all loud, talkative, cheerful, friendly
i initiate conversation and small talk with strangers, try to make them feel comfortable
well, this only applies when i'm in my comfort zone
i need to be geared up for this
i need to be used to the environment

and then i have my introvert moments
i'm in a crowd, but i crave for silence
i don't want people to talk to me
no, i don't feel lonely
i would probably be having a headache in this situation
i just don't want to talk
at that moment, i despise small talk
in my head, i'm all like "Why can't a girl be left alone in her own thoughts?"
don't talk to me, don't feel bad about it
i would love you for staying away from me

but wait, maybe those aren't introvert traits
maybe that's me having a bad day,
anti social tendencies, then?
okay, maybe that.

but... when i'm in my room, i hate overly loud noises.
i can get very irritated with the shuffling of shoes/feet
the sound of someone walking heavily (you're not a giant, do you need to thump the floor with your feet?)
the slamming of doors (this, this, this! i was awoken last year by seniors slamming the door. inconsiderate people)
just the little things

in a nutshell, i would very much prefer to live on my own
silence, no conversations, no social interaction, preferably no visitors hahahahaha





okay kidding


i guess my future partner is gonna have a hard time figuring out whether i want to talk or not
(maybe that's why i'm still single ;)          lol no)
so maybe that's why i need to find someone suitable
i refuse to jump into a relationship if i think i might ruin it
but okay let's not talk about me getting into a relationship.

on to the next thought,


*


am i obliged to like my friend's boyfriend?
okay, i'll be honest, i didn't like most(around 90%) of my close friends boyfriends.
guilty.
i defend myself by thinking that "there's a possibility that this guy might break my friend's heart in the near future"
truth is, that's rubbish
as a friend, i should wish them the best
i should think cheerful, happy and positive thoughts
i should think that he's gonna be the best for her, bla bla bla, ya-da ya-da More interesting, Yoda is!

honestly, i can't bring myself to fully be myself around my friend's boyfriends
i don't know if i get into protective mode

man, i just realised that i suck
i must have given my friends a hard time refusing to speak in front of their boyfriends/
refusing to look them in the eye



that brings me to another point,
IF YOU WEREN'T CLOSE WITH YOUR FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND BEFORE THIS, AND NOW THEY ARE TOGETHER, WHY ON PLANET EARTH DO YOU BOTHER GETTING CLOSE WITH THEM?

yes, you can talk to them and all that, but think about it!
would you like your own friend to be so close to your own boyfriend?
it's a matter of respect, sisters before misters

and with that, i choose to not care about your boyfriend's feelings when i 'act hostile' to him
i prefer to never let you go through the paranoia of the kemungkinan that i might steal your boyfriend
heck, i won't even let you go through the involuntary jealousy if i get too comfortable with him


time and time again, i've questioned my responsibilities as a friend.
do i have to be nice(even if i have to act it out) to all my friend's boyfriends?
is that the only way i can show acceptance?
wait, if you're not married to her, i haven't fully accepted you yet!

but at the end of the day,
bear in mind that i am ONLY A FRIEND
what i think about my friend's boyfriend doesn't matter
i'm not their mum
not even their biological sister
so forget about what i think/how i treat you
it's what she thinks about you and how she treats you that matters

(by the way, this only applies to my very close girl friends)


*


so yeah.


thoughts.


goodnight.





Sunday, February 16, 2014

Clown

we're jumping on thread lines,
and for now, it won't hurt.
it's fun while it lasts,
but when we fall it'll burn.

we're the party, not the safety net
not the stronghold of trust to put us to bed.
for a moment there's life,
but it doesn't erase the dark


*



[first mini piece. only cause that was 2 tweets combined. pretty proud of it to be honest.]

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Not Gonna Write you A Love Song

my playlist consists of
songs that evoke so much emotion
songs that throw me back to the past
my playlist is a time machine

some songs make me smile
but most times,
the smiles are sad
other times,
i feel very happy
with the songs that i have

and even with this time machine,
i can only revisit the past
not mend it,
not change it,
not do anything about it.

and then there are songs of hope
hope that crashed and burned
they remind me of
everything that never happened
everything that could have been

fears and wants.
fears of a song i might have to sing
fears of the heartbreak happening
wants of a song to be sung to me
wants of the love for me to keep

i've let so many people go
some for the better
some, i'm not sure
i let them be the one that got away
i never chase anyone
because eventually,
it won't be worth it

there are songs
that reminds me of people
and makes me miss them
i cannot run away
from all the emotions i don't wanna face
because they are in the music
they are everywhere

but i refuse to fret
because these tears are a sign that i feel
that i have loved
and hopefully, been loved

these memories,
they are my souvenirs
they are what keeps me alive
they are proof that i am still living



so i close my eyes and go back in time
i can see you smiling, you're so alive
i close my eyes and go back in time
you were just a child then, and so was i
we were so young, we had no fear,
we were so young, we had no idea
that nothing lasts forever

i wouldn't trade it for anything,
my souvenirs

Thursday, January 23, 2014

you're Gold

if there are people that i hold dear,
if there are people that i love so deep,
i feel so much,
i'll be as biased as i can be.

they say that every gift,
is a curse.
my gift is emotions,
& being emotional can be a curse

when i become fond of someone,
when my heart overflows with love for you,
i'm not sure how,
i'm not sure why,
my heart would bleed if a sword struck you

most days, i'm certain
that what i go through,
my circumstances,
they are nothing compared to what you're going through

i wish that i could transfer your pain,
bring some of your affliction,
to my side,
put it on me instead.

i dislike
not being able to do anything
to alleviate your pain
to contribute to your cotton candy days

and if i have become fond of you,
and my heart overflows with love for you,
it means that you have put a smile on my face,
made me laugh too many days

how could i thank you for that?
i try to thank God for you as often as i can
i want to help you feel better
when you don't want to feel that way

my heart burns,
with anger sometimes,
toward the things that hurt you
toward the things that make you sad

and if not being able to do anything isn't painful enough,
i have to be so far away.
i'm sorry i can't be there
just there in presence

i wish you never have to fake a smile
i wish i could always put a smile to your face,
like how you always could with me

but at the end of the day,
who am i to stand in the way
of these circumstances set before you?
these things that are allowed to happen to you?

and if tears roll down my face,
they only can represent a cry
that God be enough for you,
that God brings you through.

i wish my love could be unfailing
but i'm human,
i will always fail

so i pray that you hold on
to God who will always be there
when i cannot,
when you cannot,
He can.

*

thoughts are much more in a mess than it usually is.
i thank God for the ability to feel so much
i thank God for the times He held me and helped me with having control over my bizarre emotions


*


"you always thought that i was stronger, i may have failed but i have loved you from the start"