Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Vindicated

it felt okay,
it felt good
to call my dad and cry
and be upset about little things

it felt good to have him ask me
why i'm crying
and tell me that i shouldn't cry for such little things

i told him that it's unfair
he told me that the world isn't black and white
it's grey
and normally, i would get more upset that he didn't understand that i can be sensitive
it felt okay
because i was being petty
i was being overly sensitive
i was wrong
and i admit that i was wrong for feeling such things
i was being so selfish


it was comforting at the end
that my dad told me all those stuff

my dad is probably gonna tell my mum
i wonder what my mum would think?
she's never really said anything when she saw me cry
or maybe i don't remember



but at the end of the day,
i realise how i let petty things get to me
i could blame it on PMS
but i guess i won't
i have always been like this

having someone who can tell me that i'm wrong
and i can feel totally okay about it
it doesn't hurt
in fact it feels better


yup, my heart is back home
i need time away from these people
it's not everyone
just certain people
and yeah
i hope i won't be bitter


*


i crave silence
why on planet earth do we have to have small talk?
this getting annoyed with small talk, i blame on the PMS

kinda wish people would leave me alone




Monday, April 21, 2014

Dear God, You're The Only North Star i Would Follow This Far



In this world of news, i've found nothing new
i've found nothing pure
maybe i'm just idealistic
to assume that truth could be fact and form,
that love could be a verb,
maybe i'm just a little misinformed


*


i've been anxious
anxious to get back home
not exactly homesick
just anxious to leave this place

i think i was spoilt in Ipoh
i was so comfortable
maybe now i understand why my dad said i was over sensitive
i cried over little things
even when i had everything

and now? i'm so far from my comfort zone
i can say that i was thrown into the sea
out of the blue
God threw me here
with lots of floats
safety jacket, and lots of comfort
and i am grateful
i shouldn't complain

but i can't help but want to go home

can't stand not knowing when exactly i can go back
i want to be sure that i can take the evening bus on Thursday
to KL.
from KL, i'll take a night bus back home,
i'll reach around midnight
my parents will fetch me
and i will breathe a sigh of relief,
i will be home

(it's only been 3 weeks since i was in Ipoh)

but nope,
we suddenly have an event to help out in
and to be honest,
i am very annoyed
annoyed with the uncertainty
even though i have to go back just a day later
it's less than 24 hours,
why am i so annoyed?

i guess it's just the excitement of being back home
away from the stress and tension
back with the people i love
the people that love me
and with them, love is easy


*


times like these, i love getting calls from my dad
i like telling him that i'm coming back
even though i have to tell him that i'm not sure when exactly i'm going to go back
i just like telling him that i'm coming back


and my aunty texted me about me going back
that was so nice
i have no idea why she texted me about it
but it makes me feel so loved
i feel the love from Ipoh already
makes me want to go home even more


and every time, before i go back,
my mum usually asks me if i have packed or not
that reminds me that i'm going back
and that she acknowledges that i'm going back
and just the littlest things makes me more excited to be back home


*


all of my world hanging on Your love


*


i'll be back for about 23 days
almost as long as my semester break
i thank God for His perfect plans

and let me not forget,
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of you life." Philippians 4:6-7


*


i thank God for Good Friday, that Jesus died
for Easter, that Jesus resurrected and is alive!

i fail, everyday.
but God has never failed.
in fact, every single day,
every single moment
God has been there
He has been my strength
He has brought me through

"My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
 Psalm 73:26


*


might fall asleep in a hospital parking lot some day


this picnic will soon depart
real life i'm sad to see you go,
i'll miss you with all my heart
but i'd rather be alone
cause i couldn't live without sunsets that dazzle in the dusk


*


All attempts have failed,
all my heads are tails.
She's got teary eyes,
i've got reasons why.


Beautiful Times by Owl City feat. Lindsey Stirling

(Lyrics)

A spark soaring down through the pouring rain
And restoring life to the lighthouse
A slow motion wave on the ocean
Stirs my emotion up like a rain cloud

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

A cab driver turned to skydiver
Then to survivor,
Dying to breakdown
A blood brother, surrogate mother,
Hugging each other, crying their eyes out

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

I'm ecstatic like a drug addict
Locked in the attic
Strung out and spellbound

I fought all through the night
Oh, oh, but I made it alive
The sun's starting to rise
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times
This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

A bad feeling burned through the ceiling
Leaving my healing heart with a new scar
A dead fire rose and rose higher
Like a vampire, up from the graveyard

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

We all suffer but we recover
Just to discover life where we all are

I fought all through the night
Oh, oh, but I made it alive
The sun's starting to rise
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times
This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

My heart's burning bad
And it's turning black
But I'm learning how to be stronger
And sincerely, I love you dearly
Oh, but I'm clearly destined to wander


*


if i haven't mentioned yet,
i love Adam Young's lyrics


*


"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

i'll be frank

(i'm not Frank)



*


i'm not very sure,
how an extrovert can have introvert traits.
i guess some people aren't all fully introverts or extroverts
they can be a blend of both

for me, i'm probably an extrovert
but i have my introvert traits and moments
(IMHO it's nothing to pride about being an introvert/extrovert. it's just a personality thing, right?)

i can be all loud, talkative, cheerful, friendly
i initiate conversation and small talk with strangers, try to make them feel comfortable
well, this only applies when i'm in my comfort zone
i need to be geared up for this
i need to be used to the environment

and then i have my introvert moments
i'm in a crowd, but i crave for silence
i don't want people to talk to me
no, i don't feel lonely
i would probably be having a headache in this situation
i just don't want to talk
at that moment, i despise small talk
in my head, i'm all like "Why can't a girl be left alone in her own thoughts?"
don't talk to me, don't feel bad about it
i would love you for staying away from me

but wait, maybe those aren't introvert traits
maybe that's me having a bad day,
anti social tendencies, then?
okay, maybe that.

but... when i'm in my room, i hate overly loud noises.
i can get very irritated with the shuffling of shoes/feet
the sound of someone walking heavily (you're not a giant, do you need to thump the floor with your feet?)
the slamming of doors (this, this, this! i was awoken last year by seniors slamming the door. inconsiderate people)
just the little things

in a nutshell, i would very much prefer to live on my own
silence, no conversations, no social interaction, preferably no visitors hahahahaha





okay kidding


i guess my future partner is gonna have a hard time figuring out whether i want to talk or not
(maybe that's why i'm still single ;)          lol no)
so maybe that's why i need to find someone suitable
i refuse to jump into a relationship if i think i might ruin it
but okay let's not talk about me getting into a relationship.

on to the next thought,


*


am i obliged to like my friend's boyfriend?
okay, i'll be honest, i didn't like most(around 90%) of my close friends boyfriends.
guilty.
i defend myself by thinking that "there's a possibility that this guy might break my friend's heart in the near future"
truth is, that's rubbish
as a friend, i should wish them the best
i should think cheerful, happy and positive thoughts
i should think that he's gonna be the best for her, bla bla bla, ya-da ya-da More interesting, Yoda is!

honestly, i can't bring myself to fully be myself around my friend's boyfriends
i don't know if i get into protective mode

man, i just realised that i suck
i must have given my friends a hard time refusing to speak in front of their boyfriends/
refusing to look them in the eye



that brings me to another point,
IF YOU WEREN'T CLOSE WITH YOUR FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND BEFORE THIS, AND NOW THEY ARE TOGETHER, WHY ON PLANET EARTH DO YOU BOTHER GETTING CLOSE WITH THEM?

yes, you can talk to them and all that, but think about it!
would you like your own friend to be so close to your own boyfriend?
it's a matter of respect, sisters before misters

and with that, i choose to not care about your boyfriend's feelings when i 'act hostile' to him
i prefer to never let you go through the paranoia of the kemungkinan that i might steal your boyfriend
heck, i won't even let you go through the involuntary jealousy if i get too comfortable with him


time and time again, i've questioned my responsibilities as a friend.
do i have to be nice(even if i have to act it out) to all my friend's boyfriends?
is that the only way i can show acceptance?
wait, if you're not married to her, i haven't fully accepted you yet!

but at the end of the day,
bear in mind that i am ONLY A FRIEND
what i think about my friend's boyfriend doesn't matter
i'm not their mum
not even their biological sister
so forget about what i think/how i treat you
it's what she thinks about you and how she treats you that matters

(by the way, this only applies to my very close girl friends)


*


so yeah.


thoughts.


goodnight.