Monday, June 2, 2014

Fortunate/Chain Reaction

emotional dependency scares me
i've gone so long not depending on someone
but my definition of long isn't exactly what you would call it
and i guess that's why it scares me
that i become so emotionally dependent on people
i get someone who puts up with my idiocy and i cling on to them like they're my lifeline

i don't seem like that kind of person
but the void i feel,
and what i do when i feel that void,
it's about as creepy as a creeper plant
or something that is quite creepy...

but i want to be as busy as Ed Kennedy
i want to have no one to tell my problems to
because when i talk about my problems,
i'm only feeding my pride and ego
cause in most cases,
i have a valid argument
in other words, i am selfish and i am wrong
but i think i'm right.

have you ever felt vulnerably strong?
i have walls built, sturdy and strong
upright and all, but i'm shaking inside
i look so stable and okay
truth is, i'm a child inside,
i still feel alone
i still feel scared, out of my mind

i'm grateful though
that i'm not all pride and ego now
i've been taught to be humble
to at least acknowledge my flaws
to at least accept that i am not perfect
that i am admittedly a hypocrite



and creating problems by jumping into conclusions,
i go back to a mess of my own,
to a void i've been avoiding (wow)
and i go back to only remember why i went so far away

but it was there
and i couldn't help it
i yearned and i craved
and i wished i could have faded away

i did
but in the end i bent
i broke the rules
and i played the game
and now i feel bad
cause i broke the rules
and i need to get away again




do you ever just know that you don't deserve certain people?
how they're too good for you or something of that sort?
you're too rash and stubborn in the stupidest ways
you don't deserve to have them pull you out of a pit you dug for yourself




tired
i try to clear up a mess,
but i make another
then i trip and fall
and i fall back only onto another mess i've been trying to avoid

clearing the mess up isn't as easy as it seems to be
and i cannot do it with my own strength
i'll only mess it up some more




and have you ever told someone the reason why you 'don't like' them right after they tell you a flaw from yourself?
doesn't it feel terrible?
like you used it as a weapon when  you shouldn't have?

what are words anyway?
you use them to hurt people, but you try to comfort them with words after that?
great move, it's not gonna happen
the damage is done
and i am vindicated, i am selfish
i am wrong,
i am right, i swear i'm right, i swear i knew it all along
and i am flawed


God, i mess up
i mess up
and i mess up
i want to not do anything
so that i don't mess up
the worst part is know that i've hurt people
i've thrown words at them
though they are words that i mean,
but the damage i wish i could do without.

Lord, i don't know what to do
i come to You
i want to know that i am blamed
i don't want to be blamed for something like "being a friend"
(that's an idiotic thing to be blamed for and it feeds my ego)
i want to be straight out blamed for hurting people if i've hurt them
i don't want to act so holy
like there's nothing wrong with me
i get so defensive
and it's true, i think that what i'm doing is so noble
i think that i am defending,
but truth is, when i don't think about what i'm about to say,
and i still choose to say it,
i hurt people
and the damage i do, cannot be taken back


i'm so fortunate to not be in the kinds of heartbreak my friends are facing
but what i do is only create a bigger mess
and cause bigger heartache to my friends.


i don't even know what's fact or fiction anymore
i feel like i'm an apparitions pet.