Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Walls

wrong.
blind.
to so many things.

i hate how my ego is fed

i hate how i try to justify myself
and how i can adjust my justifications

i hate how much of an idiot i am
i hate how i say so many hurtful things without thinking

i hate how i use people like ladders and words like knives
i hate how i'm a murderer
how i kill people with words

i hate how i act so righteous
how i act like everything is fine in my life
how i make people feel inferior to my being

i don't even deserve any admiration
i am not the person you think i am

i care? i'm calm? i want the best? i look out for people?
bullshit.
i'm nothing like that

i allow myself to tweet on a whim
i don't care what anyone feels

and that's the truth
it's cold, it's hard

and that's why i crave
for someone to tell me that i'm wrong
even though i can be right
at the end of the day,
it's not what i'm doing,
it's why i'm doing it

it's not as simple as it looks
and i think i can cope with all the complications


at times like this,
i want someone to tell me
"you shouldn't have done it"
but i don't want to rob someone's time
with my petty emotions
and maybe rob them of time with their significant other



i can't right the wrong i've done
i can't adjust the guilt i feel
and why does it feel like i believe that i won't change
why does everybody believe that i have everything going fine for me?


i hate myself
how far i've run from God
how big of a hypocrite i am
how i am not willing to let God deal with my faults


there's no dignity to this
to what i've done
to what i get
to my insincerity in words

hate is a strong word
i know


we all talk like it's so easy to forget
i get exactly what i've done to others
and i realise how stupid my words are

but still


give up on me
leave me stranded
let me go
let me find myself
in all my flaws



God,
i'm not asking You to cover up my faults
open my eyes to see more of how i'm hopeless
without You i see no light
no hope of forgiving others
no hope of forgiving myself


what have i become without You?
worse than nothing, i have become a monster.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Disarray

i'm not sure where to start,
not really sure how
i feel like i'm in a daze
but the fear is pretty loud

i'm not sure how i can
how i feel so much
i'm not sure if i can
if i can lead this bunch across

it's like i'm in a river
and all my baggage are tied
they're tied to me and i tied them pretty tight
i rolled them up to be one whole big lump
but now i'm heading towards the sea and they've all fallen down

i'm heading for the ocean
but i'm not sure what for
i guess it kinda seems like that's where i can find an oar

do you ever feel and realise that you hate what you feel
and try to hide it with a similar other feel
emotions can wear you down
but you're not sure why
it's like something's sucking the life of you out




[unfinished but i thought i'd just post it. well God bless you!]