Tuesday, November 3, 2015

The Momentum of a Fast Train

it was like we were on a train

it was a normal day
and train rides were my favourite thing
it became a normal thing
but that day i found magic from a random encounter

happenstance


it was a fast train
and conversations were like the wind
it looked like we were heading south
but i didn't expect it to go on a different rail

after awhile, i suspected so
the train was fast
and we were slow
i knew where we were heading
and i couldn't go
so i had to hastily jump off before it could grow

and further it went
i missed the wind
the train was gone
it left me, or i left it

inertia was still in my veins
and i had to go down to the station again

the walk was long
i got on a train
now i am alone
and it doesn't feel so okay


*


like a professional runner
that cannot continue running in illegal races
because those were the wildest
it wasn't wrong
it wasn't official
but we knew that it'd be bad for us

so i retired
from professional running
unsure if i could feel the wind in my face
and like that, i missed the momentum
i missed having an aim and a finish line
i missed having a purpose in life

i try to run
but it eerily feels the same
the dirt, the cheers
are they all just in my head?

and until i find a new competition
or a new race
i will still think of that very day

was it the rain?
the storm?
the thunder?
it was right above us
and i suppose the danger is what lured us

Friday, October 9, 2015

The Void and Regret



Emptiness is nothingness. It shouldn’t hurt, you shouldn’t feel a thing from nothingness but emptiness is different. It is born of void and void creates a vacuum. If you don’t seal it up, it sucks you up and you are rendered helpless to the feeling at that moment.

My regrets are the same. My regrets are nothing new. I resolve to do something, which at that moment seems to be a great idea, and then I cannot help but feel so foolish after accomplishing the said ‘great idea’. It is the same process over and over and over again. I cannot begin to understand how I can feel such courage whilst being so fearful of regret.

(There’s a longer story to this but I’m too tired/not motivated enough to continue. I’ll continue, I’ll tell you about it someday.)

I’d love like I’m not scared,
Give when it’s not fair.
Live my life for another,
Take time for a brother.
Fight for the weak ones,
Speak up for freedom.”

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Sinking

in those printed words,
i found emotion,
a way for my heart to pour out,
what, at that very moment, i couldn't

and there was a pain in those words,
a pain maybe fiction,
but it was far more a cry
and my heart sank at the thought of them

i could, for a moment,
believe that i felt,
a little or much,
of what grieve they had


but my worries were petty
my feelings were such,
they didn't amount to much,
they were just a consequence of hormones, imbalanced



they say that these would be,
the roaring years of our lives,
where we would take hold,
and charge to take flight

but i couldn't let the sight,
of my friends trading their lives,
with the devil, or so i thought,
down a path i would not

and slowly i believed,
that maybe i was wrong,
that i was never right,
to fight for the highs

what if the valleys they've tread down,
are what they need in life?
are what i cannot rob
lest we burn out too early, too bright


i felt so much fear,
of losing it all at once
of losing a love,
and friendships alike

i felt so lost,
when you let me go
i told you that i couldn't,
that i needed more coal

and at my request,
you didn't press on
we left it at that
and what was an anchor,
left to a dock, unknown

i felt so lost,
with storms i was unfamiliar with,
with new feelings that i never embraced,
with people i felt the need to be shielded from


and i don't know,
if the feelings i later developed,
were a mirror,
of everything you were

maybe in times of loneliness,
i let those other feelings,
creep in to replace
the large field of merry you left to me

i can't believe what i did
to be so foolish
to be so naive
to have the same thing,
happen to me


now, it's worse
and i can't avoid
i can't run far
to be a recluse and ignore

what makes it worse,
are my responsibilities,
they tire me out
and leave me hanging

i have no clue
about what i should do
if i should stay,
if i should act cool

but it's like a fire,
two flames,
one blue, one red,
i cannot decide, which first to tame

for when i focus,
on one, not the other,
it burns, burns brighter
and i feel more scared than ever

and at times like these,
i would wish,
i would feel,
that if maybe you were still,
"..you would sit with me
and smoothen crumpled paper,
deciphering its underlying meanings for me.
now I'm just fisting these crumpled papers
And maybe that's why I feel angry
Because I don't want to do,
I don't know how to feel properly
Why are you my clarity?"


i don't know what to do,
how to react,
how to feel
i've grown so tired,
a little overwhelmed
and at times i just wish for things to be simple

and then i remember a love
a love so divine
a love that doesn't fail
a love that won't run dry
it softens my heart,
to know that the love is for me
love that hung on a cross,
just to set me free

today,
right now,
even in my self-made round of sorrow,
even in my self-afflicted misery,
in my confusion and restlessness,
i place my trust in the One who loves me

i fail,
you,
me,
the people around,
even God
but yet, His grace is an ocean and i'm sinking

and there's no place else i'd rather be.


*


i met the devil and i stared her in the eye
her hair had scales like silver serpents
i a statue, stood there mesmerised

i took the fire escape and made it out alive
yeah, i still burn from time to time but i've a healing Hand against my side

blisters on my feet i crawled back home
frozen from the sleet burned sand and stones
nourished back to life by Life alone
with one shake of the mane regain the throne






Friday, May 1, 2015

Rocky Road



i like the ice cream flavour better than the literal ones


*

tired
physically
emotionally
mentally

spiritually,
i'm not in tact


*


the thing about caring for people who won't (or can't) respond to your thoughtfulness of them,
is that you're investing in a losing battle
you only rugi
it gets tiring after awhile
and even though it is in our nature to love,
at the end of the day we still fall short,
we still are in a hopeless crawl
we cannot love to the extent that is needed of us
because we also crave love in return


and that's why,
i look to You
i look to You
You're King over the earth,
You have put heaven in my heart
and heaven is loving,
expecting nothing in return
You are



*


when friends draw a blunt knife,
and proceeds to cut themselves,
right in front of us,
and expects us to watch and accept
do nothing about it
cause 'it's their life'

nobody will blame me for your death
because you made your own choices
but my conscience will proceed with its own suicide
a long and torturous one
a one identical to yours

and then?

the worst is when a friend you don't really want to care about does that idiotic crap
people you don't really care about,
spreading manure near you
and expect you not to care
"it's their life, not yours"
why do you care?


*


crazy day.
woke up for Moral assembly,
sat through our opening ceremony for our teaching aids exhibition,
found out that APTIS test would be during study week,
panicked about not being able to go back,
went out for lunch,
worried some more about not being able to go back,
watched a movie,
went to the bus station,
worried more because there were no tickets for my friends to go back,
came to a conclusion that we would go back next week and ate dinner.

so tired
been exactly 40 days away from home now
so spoiled


life in all of this chaos,
You're my only hope
and all that i have to offer
is the white flag of surrender

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Mess of me

maybe you've done so much wrong
maybe you were too selfish
maybe all you ever did was superficial
maybe what you did was never worth it
maybe you were wrong
in all aspects of handling relationships
maybe you're too melodramatic
maybe you're super fake
maybe you don't deserve it after all
maybe your expectations were too high
maybe you thought they'd think of you in return
maybe you thought you think of them enough
maybe you thought that your sacrifice was darn big
maybe you thought they'd treat you with more enthusiasm
maybe you thought they'd celebrate your being, your existence


*

for me, the solution to let go of someone is pretty simple,
just be sure that they're taken
being sure that someone else is already the reason for the butterflies in their stomachs

*

maybe you don't deserve to be celebrated


*

i give up,
on myself
i let go,
of myself

*

they say it's not who you miss when you're lonely at night,
it's who you miss when you're super busy in the middle of the day

i'm not sure if i'm deceiving myself,
but i guess it's just that talking to someone relieves stress

*

all these thoughts, feelings, emotions
makes me feel like i'm so dependent on how people treat me
and maybe that is the case

so tired
there were days when each hour was a war that i fought to survive
but God, You are my strength, strength like no other, reaches to me
don't let me lose sight of that

*

and i let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do

stages of the best,
i wish you weren't the best, the best i ever had
i wish that the good outweighed the bad

*

at the end of the day, i find my hope and rest in You
You're the hope that my heart is holding onto
skeptics won't understand, it's strange from the world's point of view
my answer is You

even when i feel this way,
help me recover and move up from it


Thursday, February 26, 2015

Silent Siren

"Her eyes were screaming, "Don't fall in love with me!"
I couldn't help but wonder if they were genuine"

Is this in my head? I don't know what to think

Well, if love was a beam, you'd be blind in both eyes


*

is she gonna hurt you?
will she let you in then kick you out?
is the high worth the pain?
will giving her the key to your heart be worth it in the end?

i want to scream,
i want to warn you,
send you signal lights
so you back off
and don't fall off the cliff

but i'm not sure,
i'm not sure if that'll help you
i often let the over-analysis of my feelings
get in the way of caring for you

sometimes, certain things happen to certain people
so that they can learn a lesson
so sometimes, we shouldn't prevent certain things from happening to certain people
because that might stop their growth or development as a person



at the end of the day,
i'm glad for closed doors
the certainty of it
instead of the uncertainty

there are things that i still have to learn
God is still teaching me how to love
a love independent of human intentions
and i'm grateful, glad.


*


the laid back part of the semester is fast passing by
we've reached the part where the work load is heavy
there's lots to do
and to actually have responsibilities beyond my grades is a strange but inevitable thing
as always, i'm not very sure of how i'll make it through this semester
times seem to get tougher
no work or subject seems to be getting easier
but Christ is enough for me
He will be all that i need


"For by You i can run against a troop, by my God i can leap over a wall" Psalm 18:29



God bless you!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

What We Were Told

we grew up
our beliefs, norms, values
shaped by our family,
shaped by our society,
shaped by our own ideas,
shaped by how we've been treated by others

we were told that black is called black,
white is called white
and each object is called what it is called

it's not conforming,
it's accepting what is taught to us

but do you ever wonder sometimes
if we're just being rigid?
if in actual fact that not all in this world is black and white?
that most of which we try to define and categorise as
are just shades of grey?

i don't question my beliefs, norms or values
i don't think that i'm being rigid
i don't believe in a different purpose
i don't even remember what i started fighting for


*


feelings, emotions
they're like trees
they can be categorised and named,
but they're not all the same

one may feel a certain emotion
but how they feel it,
how it impacts them
may vary

once a feeling is grasped,
the texture, the feel of it
makes me want to write
writing about it then reminds me
of what i've felt inside

feelings fill you up
they somehow make you feel whole
they somehow make you feel human
they somehow make you feel vulnerable

some people hold onto feelings and emotions
others,
they push it all
or bury it
or let it all go

some days,
i want to hold onto a feeling
i want to hold onto an emotion
because it makes me feel alive
because it is unique
it's different from all what i've felt before

some i hold onto properly,
some i let go carelessly,
some i get tired of holding onto,
others i let pass by

i suppress some feelings
when they get too overwhelming
i try to forget them
but they set ablaze upon me
and i cannot control it


*


i was told that a fish cannot live on land
well, maybe in an alternate universe they can

and then there's the toad
it could go into the water
but it doesn't prefer the sea
it prefers to be on land,
where its beliefs stand

but sometimes i catch the toad,
staring intently at the fish
there seems to be attraction
and compatibility

but it cannot go into the water
and live in it forever

or maybe that's just what the toad choose to believe


*


do you ever feel
emotions that you cannot express?
it's not that you're ashamed of expressing them
it's not like you cannot express them
it's just that, maybe,
there seems to be no benefit from expressing that particular emotion.

some emotions are positive
but like fire to fire,
it burns a brighter flame
a flame that's harder to tame
and maybe that's why i'm afraid


some things aren't ever meant to be
but sometimes i feel like it's meant to be, why it isn't meant to be
i appreciate being able to see things in a different perspective
to learn the struggle
and the good that comes out of it


i feel like it's a love letter,
the common things we share
the effort, even though it may be awkward
the admiration we have for a person

it's just a flutter of a moment
an emotion that i feel quite often
so what makes it so special?
it's not like it's a love worth any bother


*


okay, i just felt like blogging today.
wanted to write bout some emotions i was feeling
didn't mean for the last part to be so... open? straightforward?
well, as usual, it's not what you think it is
i'm not in love
i don't have a crush on anyone

it's just a moment of realisation and liking for what i'm feeling
or something
if you get me
hahaha

anyhow, i thank God for being my Rock
not really sure how i matured emotionally(even if just a little) when i was pretty sure that i couldn't handle myself


it's a new year, new semester
still got feelings i ought to deal with,
make straight
ultimately, i want to live a life that's souled out for Jesus


may this year hold more precious lessons
newer, stronger, tougher
more perseverance, strength and trust in the Lord
songs, praises, love to Him who deserves all

God bless you, have a blessed 2015! :)