Thursday, July 9, 2015

Sinking

in those printed words,
i found emotion,
a way for my heart to pour out,
what, at that very moment, i couldn't

and there was a pain in those words,
a pain maybe fiction,
but it was far more a cry
and my heart sank at the thought of them

i could, for a moment,
believe that i felt,
a little or much,
of what grieve they had


but my worries were petty
my feelings were such,
they didn't amount to much,
they were just a consequence of hormones, imbalanced



they say that these would be,
the roaring years of our lives,
where we would take hold,
and charge to take flight

but i couldn't let the sight,
of my friends trading their lives,
with the devil, or so i thought,
down a path i would not

and slowly i believed,
that maybe i was wrong,
that i was never right,
to fight for the highs

what if the valleys they've tread down,
are what they need in life?
are what i cannot rob
lest we burn out too early, too bright


i felt so much fear,
of losing it all at once
of losing a love,
and friendships alike

i felt so lost,
when you let me go
i told you that i couldn't,
that i needed more coal

and at my request,
you didn't press on
we left it at that
and what was an anchor,
left to a dock, unknown

i felt so lost,
with storms i was unfamiliar with,
with new feelings that i never embraced,
with people i felt the need to be shielded from


and i don't know,
if the feelings i later developed,
were a mirror,
of everything you were

maybe in times of loneliness,
i let those other feelings,
creep in to replace
the large field of merry you left to me

i can't believe what i did
to be so foolish
to be so naive
to have the same thing,
happen to me


now, it's worse
and i can't avoid
i can't run far
to be a recluse and ignore

what makes it worse,
are my responsibilities,
they tire me out
and leave me hanging

i have no clue
about what i should do
if i should stay,
if i should act cool

but it's like a fire,
two flames,
one blue, one red,
i cannot decide, which first to tame

for when i focus,
on one, not the other,
it burns, burns brighter
and i feel more scared than ever

and at times like these,
i would wish,
i would feel,
that if maybe you were still,
"..you would sit with me
and smoothen crumpled paper,
deciphering its underlying meanings for me.
now I'm just fisting these crumpled papers
And maybe that's why I feel angry
Because I don't want to do,
I don't know how to feel properly
Why are you my clarity?"


i don't know what to do,
how to react,
how to feel
i've grown so tired,
a little overwhelmed
and at times i just wish for things to be simple

and then i remember a love
a love so divine
a love that doesn't fail
a love that won't run dry
it softens my heart,
to know that the love is for me
love that hung on a cross,
just to set me free

today,
right now,
even in my self-made round of sorrow,
even in my self-afflicted misery,
in my confusion and restlessness,
i place my trust in the One who loves me

i fail,
you,
me,
the people around,
even God
but yet, His grace is an ocean and i'm sinking

and there's no place else i'd rather be.


*


i met the devil and i stared her in the eye
her hair had scales like silver serpents
i a statue, stood there mesmerised

i took the fire escape and made it out alive
yeah, i still burn from time to time but i've a healing Hand against my side

blisters on my feet i crawled back home
frozen from the sleet burned sand and stones
nourished back to life by Life alone
with one shake of the mane regain the throne






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